Twenty-two six
When you have loved people, and it's not been worth enough, or even, not worth anything at all, you start to think your loving is not worth anything at all.
But, you'll say, you have children. You love them. Everyone knows you love them. But then you think, my dad will say he loves me but he doesn't. He just thinks he should. Do I just think I should?
Why secondguess yourself though? You feel it and it's it up to you?
But some people didn't think that was worth anything. You can't escape that. What use is love if no one feels it?
***
Tonight I stroked my baby's cheek and I said, I love you the most, and I meant it.
And she said, I love you too, barely awake.
I remember when that was impossible. For a year and a half, I wasn't part of her life. For another at least a year, I couldn't touch her. I couldn't hug her, not because her mum would claim that I was sexually abusing her, although she might have done, but because I cared that I should never force it.
That was love. You have no idea how painful that was. I would rather A had stamped on my nuts.
I feel bad when I think about how happy she would be that I am lonely and sad. I don't wish it for her. To be honest, I don't think about her enough. I only ever think about an idea of her.
She has nothing to do with me and Miggins. I refute her story of Miggins. I deplore her story. Miggins is a charming child. She's a heart tugger. She is not trouble.
Imagine having a child and creating trouble out of it.
***
Sometimes I do think, no one will ever love me again. And that does make me sad. But not as sad as thinking I will have no one to love.
posted by Dr Zen @ 10:11 pm
4 Comments:
What is her story of M
Aww! She is an angel. And people love you. They don't show it in the way you want them to, and that makes you think they don't. People can't commit to lists and directives. But they do. I do xx
I don’t know what that means. It doesn’t sound like me at all.
M my daughter’s friend? The Cliffs version is she was my roommate for three or four years. I’m like her second father. The first one died when she was young.
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