Twenty-one six

It's ironic, isn't it, that autistic people are supposed to be so self-centred (which we aren't) and people think that means we don't need other people (which we do). We're seen as not understanding social dynamics (if we're high functioning enough, we understand them very well) and consequently being unsociable (but we vary just like you do).

I like being with people. I remember my mum used to say, Oh, you love your own company. But it was more that I could fill time when I needed to. I preferred to play with Eric to anything else. I'd spend whole days with him. The problem that I sometimes face, and I expect this is fairly common, is that I can't ignore how people are.  I am constantly trying to figure out what they're doing and why they might be doing it. Most people don't bother with either question. They more intuitively know what other people are doing and because they share an emotional language, they know why they're doing it. Or feel it. And that's probably where the difference lies: they feel it and I know it.

The difference isn't always apparent to people. I seem normal. But there are sometimes gaps between people's understanding of what's happening and what is actually happening. Sometimes a peson interprets what you say or do as though you were them. Or sometimes, and this is going to seem strange to most people, I interpret them honestly and it doesn't coincide with "the language". Because people often act with a disregard for others that ought to be shocking but it isn't. It's not part of their emotional arsenal even to feel shocked.

This is why people say autistic people don't have empathy and they're right. It's become common for autists to claim they're more empathetic than normies. But they're not. Empathy is the name for understanding of the shared emotional vocabulary. It's not actually fellow feeling. Autists feel bad for you. Normies want to be seen as feeling bad for you. These are different things. A normie will deploy a stock phrase, a poor you, an I'm sorry. Autists don't say they're sorry (why would they be sorry?). They sometimes don't express sympathy in a way you'd expect. They look for practical ways to fix your sadness.

***

So it's hard to explain how lonely it is to other people. They think, Just make friends. But I don't know how. I don't know how to pass time with people I don't know very well. These days, I struggle to pass time with people I do know. What am I supposed to talk about? I don't do anything. I don't know anything new. I listen to history podcasts, which no one is interested in. And no one is interested in me anyway.

I think that's the worst of it. I think I realised when I had a close shave a couple of months ago that people would utter the stock phrases and then never think about me again. 

I think it also hurt me that my friend V doesn't want to talk to me any more. She'll say, Oh I'm just busy. But we don't really get so busy we can't chat, do we? She used to fill time with it. She'd call me on her way to work every day. She still goes to work.

Do people think you don't know? They're not honest with you and you're not allowed to say so. You can't express hurt. You're supposed to just understand and get on with your life. I don't know how you can do that. People have treated me in ways that I can't even understnad, let alone empathise with, and the worst thing is, I have to conclude I deserved it. Because it's another story that I won't get into just now, but I can never believe people are just shit. I have to believe they're good. So I deserve it. I deserve everything that happens to me and it makes me want to leave this world behind.

posted by Dr Zen @ 9:36 am