Trackless

Did you ever think, no, I take it all back, I want to be a bank robber?

***

I don't make new year's resolutions. I find the whole thing depressing, and I don't need any more of that. But I could do with resolution.

I am not just spinning my back wheels in the mire. I'm drowning.

Have you ever been so angry for so long that there came a point when you forgot what made you angry and were left with anger that sustained itself on thin air? Why would you need a resolution to end that?

***

I got a speeding ticket the other day. I was struck by how arbitrary others' impinging on our lives can be.

I never speed. A k or two over the limit going down a hill, that's the most. Everywhere I go, dickheads powering past me in their penis extensions. I constantly have someone attached to my arse end because I stick to the limit.

So I'm rolling along Mt Gravatt-Capalaba and I've been driving on the freeway. Not something I've done much. So I look at the speedo and it says 55-56. All cool.

But shit, it's 76, and I'm on the brake. I didn't even feel I was going fast. As soon as I realised, I slowed back down to 60.

But the copper already had me gunned.

Why were you doing 76? he asked me.

Because I am very unlucky.

It is a good thing I do not believe in justice any more.

***

I have no joy. I am always seeking someone, something to blame. But it's true that life gets in the way of joy.

I feel I am right but it doesn't matter. It's a bad thing to realise that rightness matters a lot less than having what you need.

Give me a break. I'm a slow learner and I'm willing to reach out, even if I don't give the appearance.

But I don't know how to drive and I have no faith you do either. Can we agree on that and move on? We could just touch one another without feeling we have to be solutions.

I don't know a single fucking person who doesn't want to show me how to solve my life or how I solve theirs. If I'm the solution, you really are in the shit. I'm just faking it. I'm not cool or clever. I'm scared of you and I want you to be nice to me to make me feel safe.

***

You know, I was thinking, shouldn't I be blogging about my shoes like other people, or about politics or books?

I bought a pair of plastic sandals the other day. It's too hot to wear anything else. I mostly go barefoot.

Politics is dull. I'm for the people and the rest follows from there. Australian politics is for arseholes, period.

I read nonfiction almost exclusively these days and absolutely nothing has much inspired me.

I have no daily life. I have no interesting things to share.

***

I listen to my iPod on shuffle. I am listening to it now. Vapour trail is playing. It sounds like the open road but I've lost my keys. I know I could do anything I set my mind to, but it's my mind I lost, so much lost that I can't even believe I ever had one.

posted by Dr Zen @ 9:43 pm