99%

So I am driving back from First Choice and my mind strays to my problems and I suddenly just stop that and think, well, let's make the problems 1% and then I have a bottle of whiskey, a box of goon, money in the bank, the love of my kids, seeing Miggins at the weekend, feet hurt a bit but right now not so bad, figured out the seat in my car so it's all comfortable now, I'm okay, well, strong.

99% of me is fine.

If you just make the problems 1% they seem small enough to ignore and in this moment well, I can just ignore them. Maybe I have more tomorrow. Maybe fewer. But they are still only 1% of everything I comprehend.

I am thinking, this moment here, this moment stays and goes and doesn't tarry. And it's 99% okay when it's here. Problems are all tomorrow, yesterday or let's face it never.

So often never.

***

Yesterday I spoke to the intake counsellor at RA. She's doing the questions about how fucked you feel your life is. And I realised, not that fucked. Some things I've stopped caring about. Some things I've resolved to fix but I know I can't fix right now. Some things I just won't let overwhelm me any more. Some things I'm grateful I can now handle them in ways I couldn't.

Worst case I die under a bridge and when you've once wanted to die, you can be not afraid any more.

So I was surprised when I said it but when I said, actually, I think I cope okay, I knew it was true. And it hasn't always been. I used to be strong, no doubt, and then I lost my strength, but now I feel it coming back, seeping back into my arms, my chest, my head, my trunk, my legs, my whole body and being.

You think I'm overdramatising it? Try dying inside and then get back to me. I don't think many of us come back but I'm coming back.

***

I can stand 1% if I remember that 99% is just breathing, enjoying the warm, listening to my children, playing music, drinking goon and thinking, it's only 1%. It's almost nothing. If I am 99% fine 99% of the time, then I'm fine.

posted by Dr Zen @ 9:21 pm 1 comments