Special friends

 When I was six or seven, I began a friendship with Eric. From the outside, you'd have thought that it was just the friendship that any two boys might have. But we played together more or less daily until the day his dad decided to move and then I did not know him any more.

Of course I didn't know then -- and no one around me knew -- that Eric was a special friend. (Some) Autistic people have them: singular focuses of your friendship life, which consume much of your emotional output. You never tire of them, no matter how much time you spend with them. You'd share anything with them. It's true to say that you love them intensely. In fact, you may not know this because we are so often painted as emotionless robots but intensity characterises us. It's why we are foremost in activism, devoted believers in the things we hold dear, faithful and loyal friends.

But perhaps the weirdest thing was that when Eric was no longer available as a special friend, it was like my feelings switched off. I didn't know then and don't know now what became of him. I'm not curious. 

One reason I've been struggling so much since splitting up with A is that I haven't had a special friend (I'll come back to the other reason). I have people I talk to, who care about me, whom I love. But they cannot be special friends because of two reasons: they are not available enough to me and they're not here. I did once have a "special friend at a distance" but she was different. She was available at any time because she stayed up all night and rarely slept at all and although she wasn't here, emotionally she felt present. I was married at the time. You could, and certainly my wife did when she found out about S by snooping in my business, think I was cheating. But I wasn't. My wife didn't want to fill the role and someone had to. I probably would have preferred a male friend but S was what there was.

I cannot, and will not, apologise for "cheating" because I could no more avoid it than I could avoid breathing. You cannot punish yourself forever for things you cannot change.

When S didn't want to be my friend any more, I was okay with it. I let her go. I had someone else then. And tbh I rarely thought about her after that. This is someone I talked to for hours a day. But emotionally their relation to me had changed. The person who replaced her helped me through a divorce and some bad times. He didn't do anything to help except be my friend. There is nothing a special friend has to do except be available, to feed the emotional black hole that in many ways is all we are. 

So why am I so broken now? Why don't I have a special friend? Surely you can just get one. I always had one, right? Well, not always, but often enough, and even for a brief time -- the time when I was closest to a whole human being, my special friend was me. I found a way to love myself. So why can't I do that now? One reason is that I am constantly reminded that I'm not worthy of love by my own dad. He hasn't spoken to me for years now. He's shown no gratitude to me for making it possible for him to have a relationship with his granddaughter, something I gained at some cost. He doesn't know that because he never asked. He's never been at all interested in my emotional life. This guy is my own dad and he's never asked how I am.

The other reason is that I could not forget my special friend, as I had been able to before. Because she forced me to go to court where she could continue to abuse me just as she had in our marriage. It created an enormous sadness in me because I had not just loved her -- and of course because I am me, I couldn't stop loving her -- she had been my special friend, my whole emotional focus. But I can't just not care. I have to have a continuing relationship with her. It's much easier with ex-Mrs Zen because I'd already replaced her. Once someone loses my trust, it's not really a problem at all for me to just cast them entirely loose. They don't need to be out of my life. They're out of my emotional life and that's enough.

Is any of this a good way to live? Of course not. You see how it so easily leads to isolation. If one person is enough for you, you tend not to pursue other friends.And tbh, the sort of casual acquaintance that a normie finds very easy to maintain is hard for me. I can't really do meaningless (remember that intensity we talked about) and having to perform the social things that normies do naturally can be exhausting.

posted by Dr Zen @ 11:12 am