A date with N

 I don't go on many dates these days. I don't know whether women find me unattractive, always found me unattractive, don't like my photos, wouldn't like any photos I took or what it is. I accept their judgement. No one thinks less of me than I do so I don't feel hurt.

The problem is, I'm lonely, and I am willing to put up with, well, what I don't want. I know it's what I don't want and I think, in the short term, I will put up with it for some company. So I go on a date with N. She moans for two hours about her ex. She's entirely forgotten that she told me all about it on our previous date. And on the phone. And in a video chat. She has a staged process for becoming her boyfriend, which I find tedious. Although I am genuinely respectful of women, I don't appreciate the idea that they are gatekeeping the pussy. If you want sex, have sex. If the person you have it with is the wrong person, so what? It's just sex. How do you become socialised to think it's a magical gift you bestow on men? Most women past 40, ime, do not think like that at all. Thank god.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't think, oh, I'm going to put up with this boring woman just so I can bang her. It's a part of a relationship. It's not the only kind of relationship you can have, of course. I do have relationships with women that do not include sex for obvious reasons. But the kind of relationship we were supposedly embarking on involves sex or it's not that kind of relationship.

If I was honest, if you asked me, would you have her as a friend? I'd say no. She'd be a shit friend. She didn't remember anything about me. She wasn't curious. And she said she liked banter but had none to offer. She reminded me of Becky, except later Becky. She was actually fun when I first met her. Perhaps that sounds like an indictment of me but I've thought a lot about it and I wasn't responsible for how she was. I mean, yeah, you would say that but actually, if I was responsible, I'd accept it.

N told me she didn't wish to take it further. It's exactly what people say when they're not going to give you a job. Which was eerie and unpleasant. But to be honest it wouldn't be the first job I've applied for, had an interview with and been relieved that they didn't give me a tougher choice. And the job of having to put up with a wet blanket for the pay of an occasional root is not a thrilling prospect.

posted by Dr Zen @ 7:43 pm