One must imagine Sisyphus happySometimes I'm just feeling there's a mountain to climb. I suppose in some ways that's better than feeling like you are at the bottom of the ocean, getting the last ounce of air crushed out of you, but it makes you weary to think how far you have to go to have a view you are going to like. And sometimes you are tempted to believe you are Sisyphus and the climb will be in vain, that you will slip, lose your footing and find yourself in a crumpled heap at the bottom once more.
It is not helping that I have regained my sanity only to discover that everyone around me has lost theirs. People act in ways that are utterly incomprehensible to me. Some days I ask myself wtf is going on. Others I just shrug and saddle up my horse and ride out with the fuck-it cavalry.
I do not understand any of it. I don't want to. I feel it is a task imposed on me: become happy with life. But I used to be happy with life! I was content to be a family man. Now I have to be something else and most of the time I am thinking, I want my family back.
No one wants to be a failure. But when you have been, in a big way, you know that it is possible that you can be, and suddenly everything is a task that seems destined to defeat you. I think the best way to approach it is to cut everything as fine as I can, so that I can succeed in each thing small enough to be easy to handle, and make all things that small. And so, upward!