Friday, January 29, 2010

Stronger drugs needed

The tryptophan isn't working today.

Well, it is. I don't feel depressed; I just feel sorry for myself. Which I know, I'm far too good at. I know my problems are and have been tiny, but they're my problems, and even if I make mountains out of molehills, it still looks to me like I have a mountain to climb.

Money is a really big worry at the moment. I should be happy, because my big book finally arrived, and that's worth a lot of money to me, but I don't know what I'll do when it's finished. After all, it's big but it's only two months or so of work. My resources are stretched thin because I've been spending quite a lot just on living.

It doesn't help that Mrs Zen pressures me for money, which has made me resentful, and I feel bad about that. The root of my resentment is that she broke our marriage and has suffered nothing for it. I know she is trying to be encouraging when she tells me she doesn't care whether I find someone new, but it hurts, because it matters to me that our marriage broke up and I don't understand why she thinks it's okay. It isn't. I am wracked with guilt for my part, constantly feeling it for the things I could have done better, for not giving more, for not being a good enough father, for the hurt my children are going to feel, if not now then in the years to come. I have moved on from blaming her for not giving anything, which she didn't, because what's the point of that? She came back to Brisbane, felt secure in her dad's house and basically said no to everything except sitting in her armchair for the rest of her life. She still does and she still wants me to pay for it.

I gave her half of my English money, the money I had hoped I could use to pay a deposit on a flat, because I am going to have nowhere to live. She has her dad's house and I don't have a home, depending on the charity of a friend, worried all the time that he will get sick of me and ask me to leave, and I just won't have the money to go anywhere else. It wasn't enough though. The next day she asked me for more money to pay for her hire car and travel when she gets to the UK. I couldn't believe it. I just gave her a lot of money to pay off her debts, because she won't make a budget and just overspends because she knows that I won't let her go without and make the children suffer.

I gave her the money I felt like I needed to build a life, and that wasn't enough. She has the life she wanted. She decided to stay where she was and make my life unpleasant enough that I would have to move out. Whenever I tried to talk to her about how unhappy she was making me, she'd say "you can always fuck off". Eventually, I did. But I know that I had my part to play in making her feel like that. I could have sacrificed more. I could have focused more on her happiness and just given my own up. It's what she wanted, and usually, I like to give people what they want.

I got angry with Sh and I feel bad about that too, because she was saying how hard it is to have kids and that I am not understanding enough of Mrs Zen. Which may be true, but it's pretty hard to live with someone who just says no no no to everything you want. We didn't negotiate or compromise: I just asked her and she would say no. She'd never talk about anything: if I tried, she'd always say, no, my favourite programme is on (and she had so many "favourite programmes"!) or she wasn't in the mood, or she just ignored me. One time she literally just got up when I was midsentence and went to bed, without saying a word. It's really hard to build a partnership with someone who is only interested in communicating their desire for more money. Now Sh is unhappy with me and I deserve that. It wasn't her fault she struck the nerve of guilt that is bothering me. It is so hard though to make friends, because I need them and they don't need me. Everyone seems to already have a life and I am in the position of having to intrude on it to try to carve out my own. We were going to go to a meetup together tonight and now she doesn't want to. I was already nervous about it, obv. (because I'm nervous about everything) but I was looking forward to it and now it's such a source of stress that I don't think I can even go. Never mind. I can get some work done instead.

I also got the bill for the car I damaged when it ran into me. It was enough that I won't be able to do some of the things I wanted if my insurance doesn't pay any. It's a pretty good metaphor for my life. Someone rams my car because it's in their way and I am at fault for it.

I feel like I am just not equipped for having a ruined life. I was okay when I just had a simple life, me and Mrs Zen and Zenella, living in Yeronga. I loved it here then. I was good at that and it was good for me. Some days I just don't know how I can get from here to anything that feels like I want to live it. I used to have enough love for myself that I would find a way, I would find enough small things to get by. Now I don't have that and I am so needful of others to supply the fuel for my fire that it just becomes another reason to hate myself.


I went to the doctor yesterday. He says I may have a vitamin B12 deficiency. I looked up the symptoms and I couldn't help feeling pleased. Maybe I am just unwell, I thought. Maybe I will just have some injections and this will all be okay.

But there is no injection, no magic wand, no one to rescue me. All I have on my side is me: an alien marooned on the wrong planet, lost and lonely, no way home.


On the plus side, Mrs Zen dealt with my car insurance for me, and it will only cost 500. Which is going to hurt, but it could have been worse. Just an arm, I keep both legs.


At 4:01 pm, Anonymous Don said...

At least you write. Someone's reading.

Very alone when lost in our woods. I am and I also write about it. A lot. I write as if no one will read it, which isn't like dancing as if no one is watching, because what I write, seriously, no one will read it. They mustn't. Maybe when I'm dead. You manage to stay off side subjects enough to be printable.

At 4:03 pm, Anonymous Dr Zen said...

Barely printable, Don, to be fair. I should try to write more when I'm not mizzing, because it's not all downhill.

If you want to share some of your writing, or want a virtual ear for what you need to talk about, you have my email addy.

At 4:05 pm, Anonymous Dr Zen said...

And yeah, you know, I do appreciate that people read my whining and care what goes on in my life. It feels good to know that there is someone who will "listen".

At 5:21 am, Anonymous Father Luke said...

You've "listened" to me.
I guess that's what friends are for.

Just another tricky day, Doc.

- -
Father Luke


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