Monday, January 25, 2010

Whoever said the drugs don't work was taking the wrong drugs

So eventually being a whiny bitch just wears you out, because you've created a vicious circle for yourself to run round like a deranged hamster. Misfortune -- often something so mild that let's face it, you could shrug off if you have the least measure of fortitude -- strikes, you start to whine it up (and the whining gets you down even more than the small misfortune does) and being a whiny bitch just brings more misfortune onto your head.

Do you know, I've been too insane even to realise that, and I feel like I have just woken up and seen myself in the mirror. And I realise that I am not in fact a 12yo schoolgirl -- I mean no offence to 12yo schoolgirls, few of whom are as whiny and annoying as I can be -- but a grown man. You know, I could defend you in a fistfight, fix your roof in a storm, cook food that would make you weep with pleasure, leap tall buildings in a single b-- okay, let's not get carried away, but I'm not truly a miserable worm.

So I've been trying something new. Instead of wallowing in whinge, I have started doing something about it. The big thing is that I have been taking tryptophan supplements, and they work. I don't know whether they work because I really was lacking tryptophan or because I'm crazy enough to believe it and the placebo effect is strong, but I feel at least fairly close to an even keel. Not perfectly adjusted (Zen laughs softly to himself) and maybe you wouldn't notice, but I feel more like me and I like it.

Now the misfortune arrives and yeah, my first impulse is to give in to misery and whine about it, but my second impulse is arriving with the fuck-that cavalry. People snub me, and I reach for my hankie but before I've managed even to start sniveling, the cavalry arrives. Fuck that, I say to myself, their loss. My future looks bleak, and I start thinking I could have a good mizz over that, but the cavalry storms in. Fuck that, I say to myself, at least find some small ways to love it or you are going to be found hanging over the back steps, and that would suck. I cannot begin to fix loneliness if I curl up in a ball and wish it all away. I'm going to have to saddle up with the fuck-that brigade, say fuck that to mopery and suffer some blows. I'm man enough, right?


At 4:23 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tryptophan, an amino acid hardly a drug. Medically only the strictest of Green Leaf Vegans are likely to be deficient. Anecdotally and from limited experience NGs such as did seem to have a disproportionate number of vegetarians. But Tryptophan has been used to treat depression as it linked to serotonin so good luck

At 1:32 pm, Anonymous R said...

that is one brigade I plan to join up with soon, once I adjust my saddle that is. Being a woman I keep trying the genteel side-saddle style and in no time at all I slide right off. But f*it, I am riding full saddle from now on!
People are going to be saying WHOA-MAN..enough already! ;)

At 1:33 pm, Blogger Dr Zen said...

Good on you, R. There's no point being delicate about it. You need to get your hands dirty if you're going to come out of this shit with a smile on your face.


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