Wednesday, February 03, 2010


In the car today, I was singing, belting out the songs I love, and you couldn't stop me.

It cannot last. They did not make a drug to make me whole. But I know I can live if I can just get high on B12 and the dreams I have.


Zenita is skipping to and fro. I say, we have to wait for Zenella, I'm sorry. And she says, it's okay, I'll skip up and turn around, then skip down.

I do not want to drown in resentment. I have only ever wanted someone to love.

Sometimes I look at myself and think, he is old and helpless, how could anyone love him? When Naughtyman says, I wanted Mummy to pick us up, I don't even know what to feel. I feel cored like an apple. I want to say, I am sweet, but he has found my flesh dusty.

When I realise that she will have them forever, I do not know what to feel. It is like I see oblivion eye to eye. It is like dying and your body forgets to die.

I do not want to drown in resentment. I want to find a way to blame myself.


I want someone to say, he is sweet; he is not dusty. I want to be judged kindly. It's not that I don't know I've done wrong. I just do not want it to be all there is to say about me.

I want not to have died.


It's funny. We all know that when we get high, we are going to get low. And we never even stop to think. We take it, because the slightest joy is worth it.


I am holding Zenita and we are playing loose and tight. She says loose and I am tight. She is laughing and saying, no Daddy, when I say tight, go tight. And she says tight, and I go loose.

And we laugh.

That's all I have to say. I'm sorry it's not topical.


At 3:53 am, Blogger Arleen said...

If only, when we are low, we can know that we'll be high again.


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