Wednesday, February 03, 2010

B12

In the car today, I was singing, belting out the songs I love, and you couldn't stop me.

It cannot last. They did not make a drug to make me whole. But I know I can live if I can just get high on B12 and the dreams I have.

***

Zenita is skipping to and fro. I say, we have to wait for Zenella, I'm sorry. And she says, it's okay, I'll skip up and turn around, then skip down.

I do not want to drown in resentment. I have only ever wanted someone to love.

Sometimes I look at myself and think, he is old and helpless, how could anyone love him? When Naughtyman says, I wanted Mummy to pick us up, I don't even know what to feel. I feel cored like an apple. I want to say, I am sweet, but he has found my flesh dusty.

When I realise that she will have them forever, I do not know what to feel. It is like I see oblivion eye to eye. It is like dying and your body forgets to die.

I do not want to drown in resentment. I want to find a way to blame myself.

***

I want someone to say, he is sweet; he is not dusty. I want to be judged kindly. It's not that I don't know I've done wrong. I just do not want it to be all there is to say about me.

I want not to have died.

***

It's funny. We all know that when we get high, we are going to get low. And we never even stop to think. We take it, because the slightest joy is worth it.

***

I am holding Zenita and we are playing loose and tight. She says loose and I am tight. She is laughing and saying, no Daddy, when I say tight, go tight. And she says tight, and I go loose.

And we laugh.

That's all I have to say. I'm sorry it's not topical.

1 Comments:

At 3:53 am, Blogger Arleen said...

If only, when we are low, we can know that we'll be high again.

 

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