Thursday, September 03, 2009

A jewel

Some people have an immense inner strength, an ability to rely on themselves that sees them through hard times and allows them to take true delight in good ones.

So I'm not one of them. I mean, sure, I'm strong if you are weak. If you needed me to carry you, I'd carry you. I'm good at service, and if I have a role to play, I can play it as well as anyone. Except "man". I freely admit I didn't grow past 14. Which sucks because I'm pretty sure there's a good man in here and all he needs to do is blossom. (And yeah, I can be deluding myself about that, I know, but what would it matter? If somehow I deluded myself into being the man I believe I am, I would actually be that man so far as you knew, whether I created it from thin air or not, amirite?)

So someone sent me the video of Working class hero today and it's not something I've ever listened to closely, but there's a man who knows me!

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules

So I can't follow the rules and my life is a fucking mess because of that. I know what they are, I see them clearly enough, but I can't do it. I am stuck with being pushed and pulled by internal tides I do not understand and cannot ignore.

I remain unconvinced that the rules will in any case build us a good world to live in, but you know, I have a lodestone that I believe, have always believed and will always believe can lead us there.

I know I can be content. I can flourish and blossom into the fullness of what the boy would have been if he wasn't hurt, hit and hated into oblivion, what I continue to believe, will always believe, we are all capable of being.

But I need sunshine and I need care. I'm not afraid to face the truth that I am fragile enough to need love. I think I am worth loving because I believe I can bear fruit, and I believe the same of you too, even if you don't.

Lennon wrote another song that I am much more familiar with than WCH. It's like my anthem, some part of the song that sings in those few cells of my pear tree that keep it alive, just barely alive.

So I do not have inner strength, but I have faith and I know that when you have a jewel, you hold it close, because that is all there is: