Monday, August 17, 2009

Nothing whole

I am scared about going home because everything turns to shit. Well, not everything. Some things are shit to start with.

I am scared that my life is broken beyond fixing, and even more scared that one day I'll just take leave of my senses. And scareder still that I never will.

I have lost any ability to think of myself as someone who even has a life. It is just something that happens to me. Nothing good happens to me. Anything that seems like it will be good is quickly burned. I know, I do most of the burning, but I seem to be living in a world that is full of forgiveness, but none for me. Every mistep leads to more.

I feel lost without any signpost. I am scared that even going home will be entering perdition.

I am so lonely. I feel like I was abandoned on this planet and that somewhere there must be people who recognise in me a kindred spirit, but if there are, they've never found me. I find I am cursed like Cassandra. I can understand everything, but I can't do anything about it. I could resolve your life easily (but you wouldn't listen -- that's Cassandra's lot) but mine? It doesn't seem to have anywhere left to go. I have spent years turning inwards, becoming less and less, smaller and smaller. I barely have anything left that I trust. It's no wonder that no one wants me: I don't really exist -- just a whiff of smoke and an idea that there has been someone there, but nothing substantial, nothing whole.