Nothing whole
I am scared about going home because everything turns to shit. Well, not everything. Some things are shit to start with.I am scared that my life is broken beyond fixing, and even more scared that one day I'll just take leave of my senses. And scareder still that I never will.
I have lost any ability to think of myself as someone who even has a life. It is just something that happens to me. Nothing good happens to me. Anything that seems like it will be good is quickly burned. I know, I do most of the burning, but I seem to be living in a world that is full of forgiveness, but none for me. Every mistep leads to more.
I feel lost without any signpost. I am scared that even going home will be entering perdition.
I am so lonely. I feel like I was abandoned on this planet and that somewhere there must be people who recognise in me a kindred spirit, but if there are, they've never found me. I find I am cursed like Cassandra. I can understand everything, but I can't do anything about it. I could resolve your life easily (but you wouldn't listen -- that's Cassandra's lot) but mine? It doesn't seem to have anywhere left to go. I have spent years turning inwards, becoming less and less, smaller and smaller. I barely have anything left that I trust. It's no wonder that no one wants me: I don't really exist -- just a whiff of smoke and an idea that there has been someone there, but nothing substantial, nothing whole.
posted by Dr Zen @ 10:42 pm
<< Home