Friday, September 11, 2009

Good day

So I do a lot of whining on this blog, and it wears you down always to be complaining about what is, after all, a fairly comfortable, easy life. So just for once I'm going to journalise a good day (which would have been better if I had written the uberpost I was planning, but you know how it is, road to hell and all that).

So this morning I woke up and had morning thoughts. Usually, first thing, in the short space between waking up and Mrs Zen phoning me as my alarm, I have thoughts that I do not allow myself in the rest of my day. The what-ifs, the suggestions to myself, the many small things that I love to think about but in the rest of the day would get in the way. Sometimes I just mull over my dreams, if I can remember them. Today I had an exquisite five minutes, because I had had a short, but lovely dream. I won't recount it except to say that it began with K completely naked on a bed.

So I spent the morning listening to Motown and doing the washing. It's funny how mundane tasks can take you out of yourself. You relax into it and it feels good to let go your concerns and just do something.

All day I chatted with two people who love me. We didn't talk about anything special but it's nice just to be in the company of people who want to read your bullshit and bullshit back in return. One wrote me something very kind and deeply moving, which I do not feel worthy of.

Also, my poker buddy B emailed me. He has been missing me because I haven't been on AIM. He has recently split up with his gf and sent me a photo of his hairdresser, who is cutting his hair next week. She is smoking hot so I am crossing my fingers. I encourage him because it is better to bounce back when you've been hurt than it ever would be to wallow in it.

I also heard from S, another poker buddy, who had a Vegas marriage (I don't think it was actually in Vegas but you get the idea) followed by a Vegas divorce. He has been blanking me some, but I think it's because he's afraid of having let me down, because I had given him some advice on his gf issues and that didn't end so well. So he says he's doing fine and that makes me happy.

In the afternoon, I pick up my kids from afterschool care. As I walk up, I see that Zenella is dancing in the playground with a friend. She looks carefree and content, which warms my heart to see.

In the car on the way to the chipshop, Zenita is talking about love. She says, I love Naughtyman so much it makes my heart beat fast. I want to say, yes, I know what an enormous, ungovernable force love can be, and sweetheart, take that into your heart and hold it there, because whatever we are, whether we are just bundles of molecules that kid themselves they are real or spirits riding in a vehicle that ages and dies (and I'm willing to believe either is true), we love and it's the best thing that can happen to us.

After tea, Mrs Zen is complaining of shoulder pain and I give her a massage. I close my eyes and put my loving spirit into my fingers. You have to do this if you want to do it well and tbh I don't find it hard. Mrs Zen is not good to me but there is no reason I should not be good to her. It feels good to be decent to people (be ready for my uberpost, which is on exactly this topic) because the good builds in you and you feel good for yourself because you have accumulated good feeling.

I know, it sounds like some ridiculous hippie shit, but I am feeling good about myself so you are going to have to bear it a bit.

Now I am downstairs, relaxed and happy, playing poker (successfully so far) and watching videos (when I'm done with this). I am hoping that someone I want to talk to will appear online a little later, but I don't feel stressed about it, which is unlike me. I have some slight sadness that a good friend who I may have expected to say hello did not, yet again, but I am trying to understand her and not judge, which is hard because I do have a part of me that just feels hurt at being left in the cold, but people have their reasons.

So that's what it is. I know it's boring, but you know what? I really like boring days that feel good. I can push aside the things that make me unhappy and relax. But this is what small words, well meant, can do. I am going to dedicate my day to K and A because knowing them is what has made this a good day for me, and as long as I know you, I know I will have feeling good within my grasp.


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