Blank
Faced with a blank sheet.But I don't have anything to say. Or I do have things to say but I don't have anyone to say them to. Or I do have people to say them to but not the people I want to read them.
And I want lots of people to read what I have to say but when I think about the lots of people reading what I have to say, I start thinking I would have nothing to say if they were reading.
I am feeling sad. And I know that if I write that I feel sad, I might get an email from one of the people who cares that I'm sad, but no one can help me. My sadness just will not touch anyone who can help me not feel sad.
I am feeling sad about all the things I lack and I cannot feel happy about all the things I have. And that is wrong but I can't fix it. The more I want to fix it, the worse it becomes. I am stuck in a spiral and there isn't a way out. I am feeling sad because my life will not be a monument and it could have been. It will be a stone in others' path and it could have been a lot more. This is what I think about all the time right now, if I think at all.
I am feeling sad about the things I lack and they are all about my powerlessness to change things. I am not very good at making people care about what I want (which is power defined) and that is my problem. I know that it's a selfcentred, narcissist way to look at things. I know but it's how I feel and another thing I lack is the ability to change from the ground up how I feel.
I am feeling sad because I'm *mumbles* and I should have a full book but I have page after page of false starts, corrupted text, ramblings. None of it makes much sense. I have no idea what I was doing or why.
A blank sheet would mean I could remake myself. But how do you do that when you are already made?
Most people in this world seem to fit. They seem to know where they are, who they are and why. I am envious of men with guns, who know what's worth fighting for. I am envious of women with important jobs, who feel valued. I am envious of "high net worth" individuals. I am envious of people who do not have to edit books on information systems, who do not have to worry where their next job is coming from, who have farmhouses, holiday villas, nice cars, ideas about fashion, friends, drugs, love, money. I am envious of everyone who is anyone, and of most others who aren't anyone at all.
I am not having a good morning. I never do.
posted by Dr Zen @ 11:22 am
8 Comments:
That mid-life crisis is a mothefucka, eh? But considering you hate your job, don't like your wife, and don't eat meat, I have to say, I'm not surprised.
The truth is, most people in the world aren't happy with themselves. Even the ones with villas and farmhouses, because to some of them those things are commonplace and not at all special, and others only see that someone else's is bigger and fancier. But that's beside the point. The point is, it is naive and somewhat selfish to assume that someone else has got it "figured out", and you are torn by angst alone. Most of us don't have a fucking clue, and those who do keep it to themselves.
It's my blog. I get to be selfish if I want. I don't have to think people with farmhouses have it all sorted it out to be envious of them, do I?
boots sed:
I am feeling sad because my life will not be a monument and it could have been.
That's one of the most foolish things I've ever heard. What, you're dead and done? If you want it to be a monument, make it a monument. If you don't care, so what?
You're not even 40 years old yet and you've written yourself off. Get over it friend, move past it, cut losses and make it whatever it can be.
No matter what, I'd wager that in 25 years Naughtyman will consider you a monument of some sort.
I don't have to think people with farmhouses have it all sorted it out to be envious of them, do I?
Of course not. Hell, I'd love to have one too. But you speak of them as though they are somehow better because of it, and they aren't. If they don't worry about their jobs, then they worry about the IRS. It's always something. Often I think of all the things I would do if I had as much money as so-and-so. But I don't. So you count your blessings and move on. There is plenty of thing in your life many others would envy.
I don't doubt it. Did you read my post about the Pumpkin Man:
http://gollyg.blogspot.com/2005/04/pumpkin-men.html
It's not all about money. Maybe you didn't understand my post.
"It's not all about money. Maybe you didn't understand my post."
I don't think that since theminotaur centered on "farmhouse", he meant to limit the scope of his argument to material concerns. If we are to read this as simply a stand-in for an object of desire (corporeal or otherwise), the response reads just as well.
Pining like this is nothing but self indulgence. It's worse, though. It's destructive. It's destructive because such imaginings are so divorced from any sense of what is real.
A siren song, yes?
Don't chase it.
And cheer up, bud.
First, theminotaur focused on money, not farmhouses.
Second, if one cannot be self-indulgent on a blog, where is it permitted? You realise I am a husband and father, and because I have those roles, I have to think about others a lot?
Third, it's more a lament than a siren song. And cheer up? Yeah, okay. Why don't I just do that?
"if one cannot be self-indulgent on a blog, where is it permitted?"
Good Lord. It is permitted. I don't want to "deny your right to be self-indulgent". I just think that it's bad for one to do.
"You realise I am a husband and father, and because I have those roles, I have to think about others a lot?"
They aren't mutually exclusive, are they, thinking about others and being self-indulgent? Also: did I suggest that you are *always* self-indulgent? I did not mean to, if I did.
but we're skirting around lot loose terms here, anyways: "thinking about others", "self-indulgence".
"Third, it's more a lament than a siren song."
Depends who is doing the singing. Or do you mean to say that the unobtainable otherness out there is...what... lamenting... you?, itself?
"And cheer up? Yeah, okay. Why don't I just do that?"
Do or don't as you please, of course. I know, it's lame for me to have said. Who am I to say, 'cheer up'? Like I mean it? Like I think it'll matter? Like I think you'll care? I don't mean this entirely facetiously either--it is lame, but I'm totally out of my power to do any more.
I just felt bad, you know, because my post seemed to be too much on the offensive.
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