Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Monkey business

After talking it through with a friend, I have changed my mind about how my life came to be the way it is. I always thought I was basically a good person and had made bad choices. She has convinced me that I am not good at all, and made the choices you would expect. I am thankful to her for carefully destroying my illusions because I like to think I deal in what it is, and now I see it a lot more clearly.

I am sorry though. I wanted to be good. I thought I was doing what was right, but I guess if you twist things enough, you can make any bad thing the "right thing to do". I know that people have done that to me: done things that have really hurt me and were convinced that they were justified. And probably they were.

So the good thing is, I don't feel I have to rely on others for my wellbeing. I realise that they are right not to concern themselves about that too much. I feel I can choose for myself and I can accept the circumstances, because I will not blame anyone else.


At 8:39 am, Blogger Father Luke said...

I only do what I can do, and I don't know that that is either good or is bad.

If being in love, and wanting to care for them I love is bad or good, so be it. It's all I can do.

They all can go to hell who hate me. It's just that way.

At 9:09 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

yes but you do not want to make them just if you can help it.

At 9:21 am, Blogger Father Luke said...

If I wanted anything, it was for people to be just. Or have I misunderstood? I probably have.

At 9:23 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

I mean you do not want to make them just in despising you, but for them to remain unjust, if you can help it.

I am sorry about Jenifer's brother. I don't know what to say about an arsehole like that. He has no comprehension what love is, or at least his version of it is as far from mine as you can get and still give it the same name.

At 9:28 am, Blogger Father Luke said...

Ahh. I see. Well, you have always been a rock. I believe it is the irresistible force which encounters the immovable object, yes?

The problem is that you are both:

and Irresistible

And thanks.

- -
Father Luke

At 9:29 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

Head full of rocks maybe.

At 9:32 pm, Blogger $Zero said...

To get the best idea of how much others are concerned w/ your well-being, get on a very busy thruway w/ thousands of cars zooming by in both directions.

Then ask yourself how much you really care about any one of them.

At 2:59 am, Blogger Don said...

Vague and distant parallels amaze me.

I'm facing, just in the past few weeks, many of the things I have been doing over the years that have been wrong in some way, selfish, mean, and especially passive-aggressive. My wife and I, who are both prone to sentiment and incapable of not loving, therefore continue to switch between Don is an asshole and has to go and Don has to do this and this and he can stay. What is seemingly desired versus what is seemingly the right thing to do cycles along as an undercurrent, or an alternate theme actually, echoing and sometime opposing the main theme, which changes tempo continually.

All right, as you've noticed here and there, I like writing more than I like making sense. I'm sorry things are fucked but it's temporary and since you're a loving and attentive father, the things that really matter will work out well in time.

At 8:26 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

Is there nothing your wife has to do though? I notice that this is all about you but generally you need two to perform a tango, don't you?

At 10:18 am, Blogger Don said...

Yes, but I am predisposed to take all the blame. Or rather, to be the one who is damaged, even though I'm not the only one; as though my brokenness is greater than hers and must therefore be addressed first.

Why this is, I figure, goes back to when I was just old enough to realize Mom needed me to be the good child and never add to her grief, amplified by the sorts of self-denying girlfriend relationships I had, set in concrete by years of a similar marriage, and now that my unhappiness (for always there is balance) regularly undermines hers, I'm like, hm, either I change, or I beat it. Well, she's working real hard on changing too, and doing pretty well at it actually, but I'm not holding her feet to the fire, is the thing, whereas mine are nice and toasty.

Longer answer than you ordered.

At 6:48 pm, Blogger Looney said...

I have found that when I do the things that I need to do, that my wife does some of the things I need her to. But maybe that's just her.

At 10:40 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

Yeah, that's just her.

At 7:28 am, Anonymous P. said...

I don't think you can love someone who is 'not good at all'. I know I couldn't. Wouldn't.

Odd that you call someone who truly made you feel that way "friend" though.

I have a friend who calls me a cunt a lot, with some justification. I'd like to think he knows I love him in spite of myself though. Maybe I should tell him more.

At 4:08 pm, Blogger Arleen said...

Those comments above make one more reason to like P.

At 4:11 pm, Blogger Dr Zen said...

P is at least six times more likeable than she likes to think she is.


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