Sunday, September 27, 2009

I will whisper

Dear you

I wish you were here with me now. We could just sit and say nothing. I really need that right now. Not sex, not anything active or complicated. I just need someone to be with me who wants to be with me. It seems each passing day I become humbler and must want less.

I don't dream even of kisses. Just to be able to live and not have to deal with seething discontent for all my days. Just to be able to live.

I held my son in my arms and I thought that soon there will be a last time. And I cannot help thinking it just isn't fair, because I love him more. I love you more too. And I hope I have not had my last time with you, but I am too small these days even for hope.

And I look at Zenita, and she is saying again how happy she is -- how happy I have helped make her -- and I can't stop myself from thinking, but I will make you sad soon enough.

I am sorry I do not have anything beautiful to say for you. I am feeling like my voice is very small, and my big mouth already got me into trouble. I did not know there were people so ugly they would want to hurt someone as small as me, but there are, and I am left only with whispers.

So I'll whisper what I have to say to you, and if you are sitting close enough by, you and only you will hear it, and only then will I know that I have an audience that will not want to hurt me for what I have to say.



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