Saturday, July 19, 2008

bollock

I have an agonising pain in my right bollock when I move the wrong way. Curiously, I'm not too worried. I am scared of being dead, but not scared of dying, not scared of pain, degeneration, whatever. I tend to be much more scared of the abstract than of the real. I fear shadows, words, concepts. I wish I wouldn't. I am so brave that it is just weird that I'm not courageous at all.

A few months ago (I mentioned it here), Zenita hit me on the tip of the right bollock. She was just messing around, meant nothing by it, but it hurt for a week. Then it was gone and I thought nothing more about it.

A couple of weeks ago, it started hurting again. Just for a couple of days. Now it has started again.

Maybe it is something else. A blocked duct, a cyst, who the fuck knows? Probably I will spend months seeing the doctor, who will be close to clueless, tests will show nothing, and just as with my guts, I will have an unexplained, unfixable ailment to accompany me in my dwindling years.

***

I should be happy. I have been offered a deal to be staked to play poker, and to get coaching in it. This is fantastic for me, but already in my mind, it's soured. I have been running really badly at poker and that's made me think that my coach will be thinking, when he sees my hand histories, that I am not good enough for his deal.

Why would I think that? I'm not having any luck. I don't feel like I'm playing badly, but of course, I refuse to do the correct thing to find out, which is to run them back in my replayer and see whether I made the right plays.

So this good thing has been spoiled. It looked like a road out for me, a hope of change, whatever, but I'm going to blow it.

Or, cosmic joke that life is, I will go pro as a poker player and one week later, be diagnosed with testicular cancer.

13 Comments:

At 12:56 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try Jockey pants, boxers don't give enough support.

 
At 5:09 pm, Blogger $Zero said...

I should be happy.

from observing many other people over the years, as well as my stupid self, i've learned that happiness is 99% attitude.

but that fucking once percent, boy oh boy, what a fucking fuckety fucker it is -- and it sure does seem to bully way too much influence over the other ninety-nine.

if i could just somehow develop an enduring great attitude about that damned one percent, i'd never have anything to be depressed, anxious, or complain about.

i could laugh in the face of life's annoying challenges just like they do in the movies.

i'd be writing silly love songs all the time.

or somesuch light-hearted thing.

i'd always be a joy to be around -- no matter what adversity i faced.

i'd be like Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day.

it all seems so doable.

just within grasp.

faith is the only certainty.

the more faith i have in the beauty of people, and the mysteries of life, and the cosmic love force, the better i feel.

like my good friend once said:

the universe is kind.

if i could just hold on to that truth, if i could just stop arguing and rationalizing against that idea, the music would never stop.

and i could smile to myself like Phil Conners. Or Bob Wiley.

 
At 5:16 pm, Blogger Dr Zen said...

The universe is utterly unmoved. There is no "universal love force", unless that's what we're calling electromagnetism these days.

 
At 5:20 pm, Blogger $Zero said...

if i could just stop arguing and rationalizing against that idea

 
At 6:19 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

"The universe is utterly unmoved."

How true... after all if it was moved, where would it go?

 
At 8:50 pm, Blogger P. said...

How true... after all if it was moved, where would it go?

It could come round to my place for a slice of cake and a cup of tea.

It'd have to not need the toilet though - it's a little on the small side. My toilet, I mean. Not the universe.

 
At 2:04 am, Blogger Grapes 2.0 said...

Your bollock may simply have shifted round and strangulated its tube-type thingy. Get it seen to, it takes only seconds to flip it back into place. It won't be cancer, but that out of your head.

 
At 1:20 pm, Blogger Mcleod said...

Your bollock may simply have shifted round and strangulated its tube-type thingy. Get it seen to, it takes only seconds to flip it back into place.

Hilarious rotated testicles are usually so painfully it causes incapacity. The cure is ususally an orchiectomy.

 
At 12:38 pm, Blogger Arleen said...

What does testicular torsion feel like?

Boys with testicular torsion get sudden pain and swelling of the scrotum. The testicles become sore. The condition may be so painful that it causes nausea and vomiting. It will mimic infection (acute epididymo-orchitis) but it is very important to seek urgent treatment.


The cure is removal of the testicle if the blood supply has been cut off for too long.

testicular torsion

Grapes talks like me. "Tube-type thingy" LOL. I think thingy is one of my most used words.

Dude. Get your thingy checked. ;-)

 
At 11:05 pm, Blogger Mcleod said...

Arleen said...

Dude. Get your thingy checked. ;-)

He will if it becomes necrotic.

 
At 11:07 pm, Blogger Mcleod said...

Follow the link


http://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=navclient&gfns=1&q=orchiectomy

 
At 8:20 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

You're way too interested in my bollocks, man.

 
At 8:23 am, Blogger Mcleod said...

Considering that as far as you're concerned they are vestigial organs, i suppose i am!

 

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