Monday, July 02, 2007

The static life

If you never feel, the smallest things to feel can blow out of proportion. This is the danger of the static life.

***

When you first kiss, you are nervous that she won't like it. But you do. The softness is a surprise, even though lips look soft. Tongues are warm and I think the word is interesting. The negotiation is fun, but you hope that you are getting it right.

From time to time, it occurs to me how unlikely I am to kiss someone for the first time ever again. And when I think that, I feel resentment towards Mrs Zen, because how much can whatever she wants mean to her than that means to me?

***

I have been profoundly sad the past couple of days. I do not have a good reason. That is the worst kind of sad that there is. If there was a reason, I could work through it. I could invent reasons. I think we tend to do that when we are feeling sad. It makes it easier to handle. But I think sometimes you are sad just because you are.

I cannot live and I cannot die. I would laugh about it if I had a sense of humour. Sometimes though, you just can't do even the most mundane things. Even the things you do every day seem pointless yet difficult. You feel your shell close in, a comforting barrier that keeps out the world. There is no particular thing in it that you don't like; it is the whole thing, the very idea of it. You imagine you are in a private snippet of space, a vacuum that has you at its centre.

I have been profoundly sad but I don't think that anyone I told would be able to allow themselves to let me feel a little less blue. Or would not know how to. Or already are but I don't know it when I see it.

***

Did you ever believe of yourself that all you needed was enough time to take a deep breath and compose yourself, and then you would say the thing you had been wanting to say but had not known how to word it?

11 Comments:

At 2:20 am, Anonymous efflux said...

"Do I Disappoint You"
Rufus Wainright

Do I disappoint you, in just being human?
And not one of the elements, that you can light your cigar on
Why does it always have to be fire?
Why does it always have to be brimstone?
Desire
Cool this body down

Do I disappoint you, in just being lonely?
And not one of the elements that you can call your one and only
Why does it always have to be water?
Why does it always have to be holy wine?
Destruction
Of all mankind

And do I disappoint you?
Do I disappoint you in just being like you?

Tired of being the reason the road has a shoulder
And it could be argued, why they all return to the order
Why does it always have to be chaos?
Why does it always have to be wanderlust?
Sensational
I'm gonna smash your bloody skull.
'Cause, baby, no, you can't see inside
No, baby, no, you can't see my soul
Do I disappoint you?
Do I disappoint you?

 
At 3:30 am, Blogger Don said...

Why you're sad:

You love your family and want your family life to succeed. You also love your non-family life, that you led before (or didn't lead before and still yearn to) or that lives on in your imagination. For years you've balanced these by living the family life and relegating non-family living to your imagination or to online friendships (if not romances).

But time has passed and this unstable arrangement must end. You know subconsciously that you must commit to one or the other of these two lives, and that the other must end. Whichever it is, family life or the non-family remnants, you hate to lose it, and you are therefore very sad. Very sad indeed.

How do I know? Well, I'm not talking about you anyway.

 
At 4:43 am, Blogger Arleen said...

You know subconsciously that you must commit to one or the other of these two lives, and that the other must end.

In a world where people knew what love means, there would be no need for one or the other to end, would there?

I have been round and round with this in my own mind. On the one hand we say that to love someone is to set them free, to allow them to be whoever, whatever, they were "destined" to be. On the other hand, we say that family and marriage mean commitment and sacrifice and limits. Both are true. And yet, we are not automatons. We cannot shut off who we are at will. Oh, we try. We try very hard. And then mid life hits, we look around, and we say, "Why? Why must it be this way? Something's just not right about it all." Some people ditch their lives and begin a new one, thinking that's what's needed. Others reconcile themselves to the lives they have. They "commit", as you say, to one or the other.

But why, Don? Is there no room for wider negotiation? Must it be one or the other?

I read about a couple once who simply could not live in the same house together because their habits were too much at odds and they could not compromise. They loved each other, but could not live together. Rather than divorce, they bought two houses side by side and are content. Not everyone can afford to do such a thing, but I think that we allow traditional thinking to keep us from being more creative in how we negotiate our relationships.

 
At 9:11 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

Arleen, it has to be one or the other when the person you are with believes it must be.

 
At 10:18 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're having a slightly worse that average Middle life crisis. I know a lot of blokes like you they fuck off and leave their wives for a year and then go back, what will you do? But then there's the kids will your wife fuck their heads up/ feed them shit stifel their development if you leave? That perhaps your greatest fear! For the sake of your kids do you role over and give up or do you leave for the sake of your sanity? perhaps leaving and worrying about you kids will screw your head up more. Have you thought about murder yet?

 
At 10:24 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

I am not planning to fuck off and come back. Of course, I'm worried about the kids. My wife is a chav and frankly, she's the best of a bad bunch. So you see how that goes.

 
At 6:41 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you ever believe of yourself that all you needed was enough time...

boots sez:

Time's what it's all about, shame you've mortgages all of yours. Not that you're special in that regard, selling our lives is the way we live in this modern world. If you're not connected you go to jail, if you're not independently wealthy you go to work. Don't drop the soap in either venue.

Can you count how many of the problems between you and Mrs Zen would fall away like autumn leaves if you inherited a fortune?

If the number is small, it's possible that it's a bad job and nothing for it; if the number is large perhaps your efforts at solution are misdirected.

I cannot live and I cannot die.

Might as well quit fretting over it and do what you please then, you've spent enough time doing what pleases others to have evaluated that by now.

How often do you awaken in the morning and honestly ask yourself, with full permission, what you wish to do today? What you wish to do next?

If your heart had failed you they'd have buried you by now, listen to it.

 
At 8:22 pm, Blogger Dr Zen said...

boots, wish to do?

wish to do?

 
At 1:40 am, Blogger Don said...

it has to be one or the other when the person you are with believes it must be

Bingo.

Wish to do, need to do.

If your heart had failed you they'd have buried you by now, listen to it.

Direct quote, from a life I cannot blog about: "If you leave, I will be sad, but you will not be welcome back."

I might as well flip a coin. Both sides are losers.

 
At 1:48 am, Blogger Arleen said...

Arleen, it has to be one or the other when the person you are with believes it must be.

And the person believes this way because as a society we perpetuate the belief. I am simply putting the question to Don, why?

I realize that brings no solution to you now because things are as they are.

 
At 3:16 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why the fuck did you marry a chav were you hypnotised by the the blow jobs?

 

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