... because he doesn't wear the trousers?
On a similar note, this is interesting.Perhaps I worry because I feel powerless? With a problem to confront, I become empowered. And if I need to act, to exercise what power I have, even to transfer money, maybe I feel bad because I can't do that. With a problem that lurks, I feel disempowered, unable to do anything. Perhaps I am sensitive to a (sometimes nonexistent) power relationship: that the other person has become empowered at my expense (because they can withhold communication, in which I would feel able to exercise power). I have a feeling that touches anger when I feel someone is purposely doing it, but perhaps it's better characterised as frustration. It's similar to the restlessness I feel when I could pay a bill but am prevented because Mrs Zen wants me to go out somewhere or because the interwebnet is down.
Of course, understanding the question is not even half of resolving a problem. Answering it can be much harder. Correctly recognising what ails me is one thing. Curing it is another. Because, like so many ailments, it manifests in good and bad ways, and curing the bad risks eliminating the good. Sigh. Maybe that is the better outcome, and I would be happier were I featureless, and could allow myself to slide through it, unruffled, not ruffling.
posted by Dr Zen @ 2:53 pm
5 Comments:
that the other person has become empowered at my expense
Except they haven't. That's an illusion you've constructed. Easy for me to say when I don't know the situation, but generally, I'm willing to bet most of the people in this situation with you have not the slightest clue they're in it.
(Jen again)
I think that you are paying too much attention to the dominance element that can be envisaged in any relationship. Viewing life as a series of cause and effect transactions will engender this view, just as viewing life as a series of coincidences can engender a conspiratorial view, whilst overdoing the laissez-faire approach can send you hebephrenic, man.
Have you read 'Lost in the Cosmos'? (Walker Percy, I think). He advocates immersing oneself in porn as an alternative to chemical lobotomy in order to break the depressive mood. It's always worked for me.
Sometimes I might as well write Chinese.
"why don't you ask?" I've just written why I don't ask. And as I noted -- completely ignored -- I feel aggrieved that those who know me, and know that I feel that way, always assume that I should fix it, not them.
"That's an illusion you've constructed" I don't know how many times I would have to write things like "seems", "impute motives", "they practically always have a reason that does not involve me", "doesn't make the impression I think" before it would strike the reader that I'm not unaware that there's no substance to it.
Of course, I'm not as perfectly rounded as you guys. I'm aware of flaws and can talk about them without necessarily being able to fix them overnight. I envy you your shiny happiness.
"I think that you are paying too much attention to the dominance element that can be envisaged in any relationship."
No! You are a genius, man. How did you figure that out?
No, I get it. From the post you've just read in which I've said exactly that!
The rest of what you had to say would have been much more interesting if it had been comprehensible.
As a boss, I was a bit concerned about the findings in that article. I admit that being one has been the best thing that could have happened to me confidence-wise, but I still have quite a few people above me, so I don't think I forget what's it like to not be the boss. I have been concerned, though, as the years have passed, that I'm not as conscious of the little things that I used to do to make working with me as pleasant as possible. I've tended to take my work family for granted at times in the way that I take my family for granted, I think.
Because, like so many ailments, it manifests in good and bad ways, and curing the bad risks eliminating the good.
I seem to recall you saying something similar in the past. It's an interesting thought about how particular traits we have can manifest themselves in such a way as to be good in this instance and bad in that. But isn't that the way of a lot things, not just ailments? Things aren't intrinsically good or bad, they just are. It's how we act upon, use, or manifest them that gives them that good/bad quality. And even then one can argue over the meaning of good or bad.
I'm not certain you could be "happier were [you] featureless," though. It sounds kind of like when I say I want to be a Vulcan, to be able to control my emotions and let logic rule my decisions because my emotions can carry me places that just HURT (usually by the same road you've described of worry from not knowing, but I take it a step further by allowing feelings engendered by the various possibilities that I imagine to build as though my thoughts were the truth). But then, I wouldn't be me. Would I rather be me, or just a generally happy person? Those same emotions lead me into taking risks that I wouldn't otherwise, which though sometimes turn out bad, also turn out very, very good. So, even though being calm, logical, unruffled as you put it, sounds good, would it be?
And here I am simply going round and round with your thought about the goodness/badness of a trait, ailment, whatever.
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