Ants in his pants

When I think about what I'd change about myself (and I have been, in a vague and unfocused way), one thing I decide I would definitely change is that I'm a worrier. It usually manifests itself in not being able to leave things for later. I have to do them right now. If I have to transfer money, I have to do it now. I suppose I fear forgetting (because I'm too dim to become organised), but also I know that it will prey on my mind if I don't.

It's not the only thing and it's not the worst outcome. That is that I impute motives to people because I am worried. If I have a talk with someone, and it seems to have taken the wrong direction, or it seems to have taken the right direction but gone too far for the other person (the "seems" is important in that), or I have done something that I'm not sure I wanted to (ex post facto; because I'm too often impulsive or rash -- occasionally I make promises I regret and lag on keeping them, or I say something and wish I could unsay it -- not the silly, hurtful things we all indulge in when we're pissed off with someone, but sometimes bigger, more powerful things, or simply things you share and wish in retrospect you had not), or not done something that I should have, then I worry. I particularly worry when the other person acts out of character, especially when they normally correspond with me but do not. Of course, they practically always have a reason (or can invent one) that does not involve me (I am just less important than I thought I was and what I do or don't do, say or whatever doesn't make the impression I think -- I freely confess to vanity).

But you worry. The more time passes, the more you worry. I have never been good at dealing with sulkers or, more generously stated, the type who cuts off communication when they are hurt. I dislike conflict, so I prefer it to be open, vicious and shortlived. I do not do bruised feelings (and I don't sulk myself, hardly ever).

But why worry? Surely I could just get over it? I could, I daresay, but sometimes it's important. I worry about why my boss will not communicate with me; why she won't explain why I have been downgraded from being part of her company's "family" to being someone she doesn't care much about. Maybe there's nothing in it. Maybe she just isn't very good at being a senior editor. Maybe she doesn't have the same understanding of how I fit in as her predecessor did but rates me more highly than she seems to. I worry that S thinks that she is better off, well, just not Madame S, and that if she blanks me for a while, I'll cool off and everything will be apples. I worry that K is nursing festering resentment over something that seems trivial to me, and that it's not resolvable. I worry that the woman from PB didn't like me at all and won't give me any work (while the truth is that it's still the new year and she probably doesn't have any).

I worry most of all that all these people do not know that all they need to do is say don't worry and I would be able not to. How can they not care for me enough to do that? It's so small! And if I should be worried, they need to say that too. Because I do not worry about things I know, only about what I don't know. Why is that? Why only fear the unknown and embrace the known, even if it is worse than anything you feared but didn't know?

What makes me a little sad is that I never feel anyone worries about me in the same way. My wife might worry that I will be in a bad mood, or that I will tell her off for spending our money on face cream, but she doesn't worry that I have a problem with her or something that I'm hiding (she worries about the things I actually am hiding, but that's different). Should I become more sulky to elicit more worry? (Have I just run this post into the sidings, the jungle in which I can no longer follow my own thoughts? Well yes, but if you don't ask questions, you never find answers.) I'm just not pouty though. Petulant, yes. Prone to flashes of temper, yes. But I can't let things lie. There's the problem. Sulkers seem not to be letting things lie but what they are doing is not dealing with things (so letting them lie). I can't do that. I would hurt myself more by sulking. So you generally know where you stand with me, or could easily find out, because you are not as scared of asking as me. Are you?

posted by Dr Zen @ 1:32 pm