Rivers of tears

I want to give poker up. That's a strange thing to think when I have just bought more poker books, and when it is my only hope of escape, but I do.

Of course I always feel like this when I have a losing day but even when I win, I've stopped thinking it's enjoyable. I simply don't think I'm getting any better. When I win, I am thinking it's because the opposition was so poor. When I lose, it's because my play is poor. Even though I understand a lot of concepts, I don't seem to be able to translate them into good play. What is worse is that I can only sometimes see where I was going wrong. Some things, I'm not sure. Are they wrong? Today I played at three tables. One was quite wild, another about usual, the third passive. On the third I couldn't catch cards and the table broke up before I had a chance to settle in. One of the hands I played was QQ. I raised of course, one caller. I bet flop, he called. The turn was an ace and he bet out. I folded. There is no way I am good there. Because most players assume raisers have an ace, he is not bluffing. He's called my preflop raise with ace-rag, maybe paired the rag on the flop and now has me crushed.

On the wild table, my stats say that I didn't raise much. But I played a ton of hands! How is that possible? Usually when it's wild, I'm tighter than usual and raise a lot more because I'm looking to isolate the lagtards. So I guess I need to adjust my game because there's no way I should be calling at these tables, even if I have hands that would merit it at more passive tables. Higher-limit tables are probably tougher than this one, and wilder, so there's definitely a lesson to learn there. At the other, more normal table, I just couldn't get a hand to stand up, and I missed a ton of draws. That's possibly a sign of playing too many hands. But if you don't play them, you miss out on profitable opportunities. Or so they tell me. I guess the hands will be profitable by about 2050.

Heartbreakingly, I was out of luck in a five-dollar tourney too. It paid 20 and 22 were left. I was a short stack but not in danger of getting busted. I had fold equity against anyone sane as well. So I get a free ride in the big blind and I have a pair and an openended straight draw. That's a pretty good hand, so I don't want to fold. But what do I do? I checkraise the other guy, who's been a bit LAGgy all in. When you know what he had, it was an easy, easy fold. He had middle pair and an OC. He has to think I have top pair at least. I have absolutely no need to push. He has only committed a few chips: a nice addition to my stack but nothing that he'll miss. You know, sometimes, I would like the fuckwitted to be paid what they deserve, but the poker gods love a donkey. His hand held up.

So I play a couple of dollar turbos but my bad luck in them keeps up. We are down to three and two get paid. I'm shortstacked because a loose goose called me with nada and sucked out. So I push from the button with A9. I expect either two folds or I should have the better hand. No such luck. Big blind calls with 66. That's a coinflip (I'm slightly behind) but I just don't win coinflips. His hand holds up. Next up I wake up first hand with JJ. Some guy under the gun raises to 80 chips, which is ridiculous. The way you play these turbos is not to play early. It's pointless unless you can double up. So I push. I'm called in two spots by KQ, which is worth a gamble I suppose, although obviously it's going to be behind most pushing hands (the tards like to get it in with Ax in the turbos) and I'm at the other end of the coinflip, and Q8, which is not reasonable at all. You can guess the rest. K on the flop and I'm back to the rail.

I'm playing another now. This is a typical hand for me today. I have 66 on the button. I call a small raise. If either of the blinds goes mental, I'm folding. But they don't. Five to the flop. It comes 953, two diamonds. The guy to my right bets a tiny amount. That shouts flush draw to me but I don't want to raise and have someone behind me fire a big raise in and I'm down a bunch of chips over nothing. I just call and decide to re-evaluate on the turn. The rest of the table actually folds, which is weird, because they usually call small bets with absolutely nothing. So the turn is a diamond. The guy whacks in a huge bet (these guys have no concept of betting something callable when they have it). Okay, maybe he's bluffing but you don't make money ignoring your reads and calling "bluffs" that turn out to be flushes.

This is only penny ante poker, I know. Nothing to get upset about. But I am upset. I want so much to improve, and I feel that I am, but so slowly, so little. It feels like something I should be good at. But I wonder whether the molasses in my head have stripped me of my card sense as well as my imagination, my sense of joy and my ability to write English correctly (the latter a real drawback for an editor).

***

I need it too. I can't get out of this place using my skills. Work is really thin and patchy, and I can't see it improving. I guess it must be out there but I don't know where to look to find it. Sometimes I think to myself, in a weaker moment, can it not find me for once? Can I not just get lucky? Can I not find someone who has a use for someone with my skills or my intelligence?

Sometimes I don't like having a family. I don't always like being depended on, although I'm very dependable. I don't always like not having space. I don't much like having demands made of me, particularly when they are to do things that I think someone else should take care of. My demands go by the wayside too. I want to go home so much that I am losing my mind over it but it's more important to Mrs Z to lounge around the house. Mrs Zen doesn't want to work because the twins are still young and they are used to having a mother at home. (Yeah, but you know, we all have to fit in with a family, don't we? Sigh.)

***

So my last turbo took the fucking biscuit.

I have AJ and I push. We are at 200/400, I have 1500 and I'm second to act. The guy on my left comes over the top, so I'm thinking oh dear. But he has AJ too.

Next hand I have A5s. Normally I fold that but I can't just get blinded out. I push again. A guy calls with 44. Another coinflip. I flop A5x. I don't even bother getting excited. I know I'm going to get rivered again.

posted by Dr Zen @ 4:57 pm