Doggedly
W does not invite me to the Friday poker game any more. I don't know why not. We did not fall out that I know of. I am mystified. I could email him and ask what the problem is -- if there is a problem -- but it doesn't feel right to, and I don't feel comfortable with it. I couldn't explain why. I just don't. Maybe I don't really want to know.Yet I wanted him to say goodbye. One of the most hurtful things in this life is to be dropped by someone who doesn't even think you're worth telling to fuck off.
S did it too. It seems incomprehensible to me. I know she is capable of lying to me but did she lie about caring for me? If she didn't, did it just evaporate? Even if it did, did she not retain at least enough decency to say look, I just can't be bothered with you any more?
It's a strange thing. Sometimes a person will email you and you'll email them. You feel that you are quite friendly. But they stop. You are not sure at first whether they have just been busy or something but after a while you realise that you will not hear from them again. (I don't discount the idea that maybe they feel you have done the same to them, but anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I respond but rarely initiate; not because I don't want to but because I'm temperamentally unable to. I wouldn't ever dump someone without a word -- although I suppose I must have done since I've never dumped anyone with one.)
I am like a dog that waits for its master. The dog does not make decisions about where the two of you should go, what you should do. It just waits on you to want to do something with it. And if you desert it, it is just sat there, big-eyed and stupid, wondering why you are not walking it. It would even take a whipping over not having you pay it any mind.
posted by Dr Zen @ 10:54 pm
4 Comments:
It's a strange thing. Sometimes a person will email you and you'll email them. You feel that you are quite friendly. But they stop. You are not sure at first whether they have just been busy or something but after a while you realise that you will not hear from them again.
You might ask.
If it matters.
Or just send another e-mail like nothing happened.
I sometimes wonder how many people I might've lost through inattention and to the fact Comcast seems to eat about 15% of my e-mails.
It wasn't until his nibs was at the facing desk sending me URLs that never arrived that I realized I had a real and serious e-mail problem. Those notes he'd sent from work that never made it? We'd always figured maybe the work machine ate them.
I have a klugey fix in place that seems to bring me all my e-mail these days, but does it? Really?
The friend who said he'd write to me later to sympathize about my dad and never did? Maybe his letter got lost. Maybe he never wrote. Maybe he kept on never writing because he's too caught up in the fact he never wrote.
I dunno.
Some day maybe I'll get back in touch.
Maybe he did send something and Comcast ate it and now he is wondering why I never responded. ...
See how that works?
Could be W reads your blog and knows you want to give poker up.
Sal said:
You might ask.
If it matters.
Or just send another e-mail like nothing happened.
But Zen had said:
anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I respond but rarely initiate; not because I don't want to but because I'm temperamentally unable to
Sal said:
Maybe he kept on never writing because he's too caught up in the fact he never wrote.
I used to get hung up on this way back when. You wonder when it becomes too late to even bother any more. Plus, I had so many inhibitions. So many stupid fears that stopped me from doing things.
I'm still like that sometimes. I'll want to write because I want to reach out, but then I'll think I don't have anything to say that the other person would find interesting. I hate the thought of being boring, even though I know there are times when I am. I think myself boring quite often, which is why I keep my mouth shut in company unless I'm super comfortable and well-known among them.
I've learned, though, to push through all that, and it's been getting better. But not always. If my relationships had to depend on email alone, I wouldn't have any friends, I know I wouldn't. Not unless they were good at emailing me first.
But Zen had said:
anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I respond but rarely initiate; not because I don't want to but because I'm temperamentally unable to
over time the excuse that, you know I never make calls/emails can be irritating. I had a mate like this who would never contact me to catch up or see how I was and missed out on some horrible times I was having.
Oh you never told me................
Yeah I was too exhausted to keep in contact!!And it seemed like you're not interested in me.
Yes, I know, and I have friends like that too. But it's a temperamental thing for me. I know. I'm old enough to get over it. But still, it's very difficult when you feel that the other person just won't want your email, your call.
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