Thursday night

10.45 and I am thinking about you.

Am I thinking what would you be doing or am I thinking what would I be doing if I had you here to do it with?

The Paddo Tavern has a floor of crazy paving. Tiffany has tits and no talent. If she was working the tits and not the talent...

I am thinking about holding you. I don't know who you are. You are a shape in my arms but no shape.

I am thinking about whether I could ever love someone like you, but you are not even someone, let alone someone like you.

Could I ever hold a shape that was your shape?

I know you would enjoy it. You would embarrass me because I am shy and I don't like loud people. But I am shouting What you waiting for louder than anyone because when I love a song, I love a fucking song.

***

I am old and ugly but I am still capable of wanting something, someone.

I am stupid and banal but I am interesting as a subject of study, but only because sometimes the slowest bywaters interest me.

Bywater, I am thinking, he bowled spin, but I strode down the pitch. For a moment, I took the big stride and he was gone for four.

I wasn't always impotent and lonely.

***

I reach out but you don't even see my arms are outstretched. How come my heart is Gwen Stefani bright and my life is written in molasses?

It is 11 o'clock and we are singing along.

***

The cab makes good time. There is no one in Marshall Road. I am living in a town where no one lives. Where do these people live? Where the fucking hell do they live? Not on these quiet streets. Not in these empty roads, which bake in the heat, day after day, the sun is out and we have to hide; not in these roads where we are bowing our heads, waiting for a cloud to make sunshine bearable.

There is no one in Creek. Jesus Christ, let me live in a place where someone can touch me. Jesus fucking H Christ, let me live in a place where someone can love me.

Do you think if you turned over, without thinking, without looking, you would somehow feel me? I breathe quiet but strong, heavy and long. Do you think you would know I was there?

***

I think I am lost, forever, drowning, losing everything. I love what I have but there is always more.

I touch my son's face and he smiles and I wonder... what is there at 1.45 that could keep me from tomorrow? I touch my son's face and he smiles and I know that I am doomed to be always just one touch more than I can ever understand.

In the night outside, geckos are calling. I have never known what they are saying.

I would not be happy even if I knew.

posted by Dr Zen @ 1:34 am