She is mine
I have been reading through some of the things I wrote about Zenella as she grew up. I feel so guilty about how much B hurt her. I have found it very hard to forgive myself. But Zenella seems happier now and has started to warm towards me a little bit. I hope she will grow to love me and forgive me for my selfishness and weakness.I still feel exactly this way about her:
But she was beautiful in her new school uniform, smiling in the sun. I forget to fear for her, to worry about what a school will do to her lively mind, about finding friends, about bullying, about everything, because all I can think is she is mine, she is mine, she is mine, and she always will be my golden child, beautiful in her new school uniform, smiling in the sun.Sometimes I worry about how she will judge me, whether she will when she looks back think I was a good dad, a good man. But you cannot worry about that, not really, because there is only one thing you can do to affect that judgement. I can only love her as best as I am able, be as good a man as I can, and allow her to love or despise my memory as she will.
I try. Some days I think it is enough to do the best you can within your limits; others I despair at those limits. But we are made how we are and surely, surely, so long as we proceed from love as much as we can, surely that is enough?
***
When I see her, my lovely emo teen, my beautiful complex girl, my heart sings the same song, it will always sing it: she is mine, she is mine, she is mine.
posted by Dr Zen @ 5:15 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home