Choose me choose me choose me

So I'm back in the dating market, which is a mix of exhausting and dispiriting. Given that I was already exhausted and dispirited, that's probably not a good thing but I'm too needy to be single for long so needs must.

I've had one date and that went well. K was very nice and I felt like we had a chance of going somewhere. Usually the way I feel about dates is I either go "fuck no" within about a minute of meeting them, feel meh all the way through and then am relieved when they're not interested in a rematch or fall in love between the end of the date and getting home. K I liked a lot and felt like she liked me.

But a couple of days later she said something had reared its head that she wanted to do more than dating me so I could fuck off.

I get a decent amount of interest. I mean, they're not queueing up but some deluded souls think I might be the man of their dreams. The problem is, they mostly don't appeal to me. They're either scary to look at or just obviously not well suited. For instance, I don't really talk politics a great deal with girlfriends unless they want to but if you vote LNP, you're probably not someone I'm going to be happy with; or if your idea of fun is to kayak, or even worse, watch motor cars, we probably don't have much in common. I mean, I'd kayak but I find people who "seek adventure" boring.

I sometimes message someone I fancy. That hasn't gone well. It's hard to do because if they don't like you, they just don't answer, and even though I'm a big boy now, I still get a little upset when women knock me back.

If it sounds like I'm saying that no even halfway attractive woman likes the look of me but a pack of mingers has formed outside my door, then yes, it's somewhat like that. I know, people are not just their looks but come on, even the most right on among us doesn't really ignore how others look, and I'm far from right on in case you thought otherwise.

Then I get to thinking, what do I have to offer them anyway?

I mean, I'm not exciting. I don't kayak. I don't go mountain biking. I don't have any strong desire to jetski.

I'm good looking to women who find me good looking, I suppose. I don't think I'm a minger but others may disagree.

I'm not in great shape, although I've recently lost a few pounds and my kids insist I don't look fat because I'm big enough to carry it. They're honest judges because they legit LOL if I suggest I might be attractive to women.

I'm quite clever but of all the virtues you can have in this world, being clever is close to the least useful. I mean, if I'd turned it into money, that's one thing, but instead I've turned it into introspection and overanalysis and no one likes that. Most of the women on dating sites say they want someone "happy". Round here, that amounts to pretending there's nothing wrong with your life. I suppose some people might actually believe there's nothing wrong with their life. Mostly, I don't even know what would be better, so not only am I not "happy" I have no idea how to become it. I suppose there's some mileage in making out that the key to happiness is the right partner. Maybe it is. But I make quite a poor dependent even.

I'm quite likely to do what I say I will do but that doesn't mean I'm trustworthy. It just means I won't offer to do things I'm not likely to do or just don't want to. And my trustworthiness is bound into how I feel about you. Ordinarily, I'm faithful and reliable but I've always believed that relationships are transactional. You don't get undying fidelity just because you're my girlfriend. You have to do stuff to make me want to be with you. I think we're all probably the same but people think labels are worth as much as actions -- at least they think other people should value them that way while not actually seeing that they themselves are obliged in the same way. So the best you could probably say is I probably won't fuck your best friend.

I'm quite thoughtful. I'll do things that show I care for you. I probably won't buy you flowers unless you really like them, but I might buy you the chocolate bar you once mentioned you like, or take you out for Thai because you told me it's your favourite a couple of weeks ago. I'll clear up after you quite often and do little things to make your life better quite a lot of the time. I'm not really into being critical of others, so you won't often, or hardly ever, hear about your flaws. Sometimes I might say something I think is constructive but not often and not in a way that is at all calculated to make you feel bad about yourself.

I'm quite affectionate. If I love you, I will tell you often and I kiss and hug people I'm close to all the time. I don't care much about sex and don't have inhibitions so you have a decent chance of getting what you want, within the bounds of my capabilities.

I'm a good listener. Or I can fake it, let's put it that way. I switch off if what you're complaining about is me or I have already heard it a dozen times, but I'm sympathetic. I have that man thing where I want to fix everything so you probably get a mix of the emotionally satisfying shoulder to cry on you were looking for and a dose of "here's a solution" that in my experience women aren't often looking for men to provide. But I can't help being goal oriented and seeing problems as things that demand an effort to solve.

I'm quite personable. I mean, I think most women like me well enough. I'm not particularly outgoing but I don't think I make people uncomfortable. I'm polite and gentlemanly at first meeting. You could probably take me home to meet your mother without too much fear. I'm not particularly good at small talk but I'll remember things we talked about online or that were in your profile and say things that are vaguely appropriate.

What a fine catch! We haven't even done the bad points yet. If you read this blog, you already know I'm lazy and dishonest, have a temper, am selfish, vain, neglectful and sometimes ridiculous. I am dirt poor (although I'm generous when I have money) and I have no serious drive or ambition. I spend way too much time online (although I feel like if you were willing to suggest other things to do, I'd do them; it's just my default). You are probably right to look elsewhere.

Still, I'm hopeful that before long I'll have hooked up with another grossly unsuitable woman who will make me unhappy in most respects to the point that I start to think yes, it's me not you. I keep telling myself it's just a function of the women I attract but once you build a track record of it, you have to wonder whether it really is just that you're a miserable prick who brings out the worst in the borderline insane.

posted by Dr Zen @ 2:16 pm