Friday, February 11, 2011


In some ways I am very contented and cannot think life is so bad.

The biggest thing is I now have my kids and even though I'm useless at it, I am learning and it works in a haphazard way. Zenella comes out to cuddle me when she turns her light out and my heart just bursts and I feel like it is just worth it. Even Naughtyman I get to touch him and feel I won't fuck it up completely.

And I have a new gf who it blows my mind that I'm so into her, and I tell myself I wanted someone so slow down and don't get ahead of yourself. But if she was meh, I'd be meh; I haven't become foolish. I still know what is real.

And A was saying to me today, you hang in there with work, and for years I have. I have had a lot of stress but I still make it. I can eat, drink and be merry, even though I'm not sure how I'm paying for it.

I know how to count my blessings. I don't have a depressive cycle any more. I have times when I feel numb and even facing the day is tough, but I don't feel like I'm labouring under a black mist or so manic I can't feel my feet. Sometimes I even feel like contentment is not totally beyond me.

I am completely drunk btw. My three babies are fast asleep in my house, safe and happy, and I'm ready to sleep. I know how to count my blessings, one two three. I know how to be blessed; I don't doubt it.


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