The fun of itSometimes the days stretch before you and they are empty, you know, because you are putting nothing into them, just marching up and down on the spot. But you can't do anything with a vague feeling of wanting more than this.
Some things of course I can put a name on. I want more work, so that I have money and don't have to walk a thin wire the other side of which is destitution. I want love that's for me and not just for the person who says they are loving me. I want to stop feeling I am the only person who cares what happens to me. I want to feel worthwhile. I know it's a character flaw that I need other people to make me feel it. But I don't wish to be perfect. I can live with being flawed.
When I was younger, I wished I had a brother. But in time I realised that what I wanted was another me. Sometimes I think about that, and I wonder, would I even like him? Then I think, yes of course I would. I'm not a harsh judge. I like everyone until they really don't deserve it, and even then I wish I could still like them.
I'm feeling a bit downcast because my girlfriend dumped me. I'm not entirely sure why. We seemed fairly happy together. We disagreed about some stuff, but nothing that couldn't be worked out, and it sort of spiralled into bullshit. I guess that's how people are though. There doesn't have to be a good reason for anything.
What's the point of this? Of any of it? My life is just like this blog. Some people look out of idle curiosity but no one really wants it. Not even me.