Come to me when you want to love what is real, when you are ready to shed your skin, be my equal and live.   Zen

Friday, July 16, 2010

Underwood Road

Sometimes I dream of walking along a road filled with drifting leaves. It is a memory that recurs; I walk down a sloping long road, coming home from school. I am five years old.

The leaves are golden and russet and the afternoon is a bath of sunshine, the last warm days of autumn. I think I am five, but it's hard to know. Barely five or barely six, anyway.

Soon I will be drawing trains in a small flat in Mullion, strolling with my mother and our dog in the village. It has no meaning. It is just what I remember.

I recall a fat baby in my lap, in a taxi coming home from the Bolitho nursing home. Did I really hold her on the way home? It seems like I did, but maybe it was only for a moment. Maybe it is only a desire to have held her. Does it matter whether what you remember is real or just what you felt once upon a time?

Sometimes I recall a smile or a laugh but cannot, even though I try, imagine what caused it. I remember how much I loved people I loved, but I can't think why.

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