Little

I have become tiny and that's sad. You wouldn't think I was tiny if you saw me. I look quite big. But I am almost entirely negligible. I have to work incredibly hard to be salient in anyone's life. Everywhere I look, I see people who are meaningful in other people's lives, and I know there are people who are meaningful in mine, but I am minuscule. I don't know why I even bother writing a blog. I am pretty much impossible to care for.

I am at home again, another night. I don't have anywhere else to go. I arranged to go to the pub with M. He said, are we going to the pub? I said, I am just going to the toilet and will be ready to go. When I was finished in the toilet, he had turned on the TV and started doing his ironing. Most of me doesn't mind. I am too small for anyone to bother telling me they changed their mind about doing something with me. The rest of me is making me cry though. I wish I could kill that part. It is terrible to want to be loved when there is not enough of you for anyone to love. But it's tough because it's the part that doesn't want to give up. I couldn't say anything to him. I am way too small to impose on anyone like that. I guess he will read this. It's pretty sad when a blog is the only way you can feel safe enough to express yourself, but that is who I am.

I am even small for my kids. A couple of weeks ago, Naughtyman said, I don't care whether you come round. I realised I must have done a lot wrong for him to say that, but I'm not really sure what. I know, kids say shit. But this was unprovoked. I feel like I worked pretty hard to make Mrs Zen central in my kids' lives, I pushed her into that role, and all the time I was digging my own grave.

Maybe I misunderstand it all. I am mostly bewildered by how my life has turned out, and how people are to me. I am the sort of person who must have an understandable world. I suppose it's a mental disorder: I cannot accept that the world just is what it is and spins indifferent to me. I am self-centred enough to think that it will reward me for goodness and punish me for badness. Of course I know it doesn't really care -- rationally I know that -- but it's a lot harder to live in an impersonal world. It's why we invented a god to care about us.

Oh well. One foot in front of the other. This time of year always did get me down. At the end of the year, you're reminded how little you've done that year. It makes loneliness so much worse not to have Christmas parties, not even a work function, to go to. And a new year is not a time of renewed hope when you have no hope to renew. Well, merry Christmas anyway, hey?

posted by Dr Zen @ 8:19 pm