Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Above water

I feel like I have been under twice but as I was choking, remembered I could swim after all.

Then I forget, and wish someone would throw me a lifesaver, but I have no one to rely on but myself, and I'm not reliable, anyone will tell you. I say six and arrive at seven, if I turn up at all. Mostly I'm quivering at home, too afraid of the lights and noise to be where I need to if I want to be anywhere at all.

I feel like I am the water circling the drain, yet somehow I am never drained away. I keep spinning round, round and round. If I close my eyes and try really hard, I can make dizzy into exhilarated.

Did you ever do that when you were a child? Make yourself spin round until you were high. I feel like I never stopped and now I do not know whether it's my world out of control or me.


We are all laughing in the water, the girls close by and Naughtyman's beautiful eyes alight with joy.

He has all the best features I have but he will not be weighed down. If I had a god, that is what I'd pray. Don't let what I've done bring him sorrow.

Zenella is floating on her back. Her smile is beatific, you could frame it.

Her smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If I had a god, I would pray that I would never make her cry.

But I will.


I cannot help what I am. I didn't choose it. I never sat down with a checklist.

Once I did, and I was a better man for it. I was wrong in all the ways I'm wrong, but I felt good about it. Rascal and bastard are two sides of the same counterfeit coin; one you love, the other you cannot spend.

I want to be coin you put in the bank. I want to be currency that a person can use. I want to serve the ones I love, more than anything, but it's not the only thing I want.


I have stopped feeling bad about it. Okay, I'm useless. I deserve nothing but charity. So I accept it, and still, I have love in my life. Now I accept it, there is nothing for a monkey to screech at.

And I will die before he gets another chance. I cannot live ten more years of suffocating myself. I would rather let go and drown.

But before I do that, let me tell you, I would rather join you on your planet, if you will have me. I would rather smile with you, tread water and smile, if we can.


At 5:15 pm, Blogger Looney said...

This makes me cry a little...

At 5:17 pm, Blogger Dr Zen said...

I thought it was kinda positive?

At 3:39 am, Blogger Looney said...

It was, which was I guess why I commented that way. Wanting more for your life, wanting better than you have, or to be better than you are, is one thing when it's for yourself. When you look into the eyes of your children and realize you can be many things, but because you're an imperfect, struggling being, you're not going to be all the things for them you want to be... Knowing that they won't be able to escape all your pains, that nobody gets through life without having at least one dream crushed/shattered/dashed... Sorry, I'm probably reading more than you wrote, but that's what it made me think...

You'd be welcome on my planet. We could play poker. Bought a folding table and some chips :)

At 11:23 am, Blogger Don said...

I seem unable to write about how much I've disappointed my own children. I can think of a few reasons why, none of them particularly good reasons.


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