Tuesday, October 14, 2008

use

I don't have anything interesting to say. (Makes a change, eh?) Everything is shit.

I was going well at poker, but when I moved up to the 24-dollar games, I had such bad luck, and played so badly, I think, that it has completely discouraged me.

Now I will never get out of this prison.

My work has gone to shit too. As you know, I'm an editor. I don't mind doing a bit of writing, and I suppose if you give me a brief to develop a course, I can do that. But the work I have now is like torture. I would never have agreed to do this job if I knew that I'd be doing this. Not that I had a choice.

And I've been feeling bad in myself. I can't really describe what I mean, but I can't keep a grip on my emotions. The bad really hurts. (There isn't much good at the moment, so I can't tell you how that is.) I seem to be on a ridiculously short fuse.

No one seems to want to know me very much. Out of three people back home that I tried to arrange to meet, one was keen, the other two keen but not keen enough to give me their phone number or current address.

My poker friends have got sick of my whining, I should think. I can't help it. The same impulse that makes me unable to handle minor annoyances makes it really tough to bear the relentless injustice of poker. I mean, I know it's like that. It's nothing new even, but it's crushing me: I am winning very nicely at the 12s and getting crushed at the 24s. The 24s are a bit tougher, but not the ridiculous amount I'm getting crushed by. My luck has been just awful (as I talk, I get it in with KK on a Q high flop vs a guy with AQ. He rivers another Q. That's how it is just now. How I'm winning even though this keeps happening is a total mystery to me. I won't be for long though: guy minraises on the button. Easy shove with 99. He has QQ. He could have absolutely anything but it's QQ. OMFG).

My dad offered me money to fly back for a holiday with the kids next year, but I can't do that. I thought, well I could have that money to pay for our airfares to go home, but he only wants to give it to me next year, and isn't keen to let me have it later.

So fuck it. What's the use of any of this?

18 Comments:

At 4:44 pm, Blogger Looney said...

I'm sorry, dude. That probably doesn't help, but I wish things weren't so hard for you...

 
At 7:02 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

Sometimes in order to bash your way out of a prison you have to get pissed. The ridiculously short fuse is not necessarily a bad thing. Just try and let it out towards the targets that deserve it, not those you love.

You'll get through it friend, if I can fucking get through it anyone can get through it.

 
At 7:17 pm, Anonymous fivevoters.com said...

Not that I had a choice.

You ALWAYS have a choice.

There's only one thing that you HAVE to do... and even THAT is debatable.

But if you convince yourself that every alternative open to you is way too risky, well, that's a choice that you make.

And it's a foolish one.

For all of the years that I made absolutely no money (even though I worked almost every waking hour) I would never characterize any of it as torture. [*] Go figure.

You can choose the "security" of a regular flow of money or you can choose the beauty of freedom.

Either way, you'll survive.

Believe it.

Or don't.

The universe will laugh at you regardless of which you choose to do. But at least when you choose freedom you can join in and laugh at yourself as well.

...

[*] Dealing with malicious and cowardly bitter assholes aside, of course.

See me laughing?

Heh.

 
At 10:39 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DR DULL......... Said

"No one seems to want to know me very much."

Dave Who?

"Out of three people back home that I tried to arrange to meet, one was keen, the other two keen but not keen enough to give me their phone number or current address."

Shit it is bad when your mum and dad won't give you their address!

Its about time you realised that depression is contagious it affects all around you, you may think that you have it contained but thats just pure delusion as you go down you drag those closest to you down. Thast just utter selfishness, You say "Everything is shit" well sort it you need help before you ruin the lives of anyone who just may still care about about you. This is the best advice you've had in a while.

You have the choice be a childish and stupid egocentric prick or be a man and seek help.

 
At 12:27 am, Blogger P. said...

I seem to be on a ridiculously short fuse

And it was a joy to witness, even if it was second had. You know, you spent so many years saying you were numb - now at least you're having subconscious, almost, urges to feel. To feel is good, to get fucking angry is good so long, as Boots says, you can channel it right. And hey, who are we to say which way is the right one? Find yourself, find your own 'right'.

But the work I have now is like torture.

Based on my comparatively minuscule input, I can quite categorically tell you, stick at those 24s. Stick with them for all you've got because this shit sucks a donkey's cock.

Out of three people back home that I tried to arrange to meet, one was keen, the other two keen but not keen enough to give me their phone number or current address.

Uh huh. And how much effort have you made with them since you left? Not much, I'll wager. Dood, I've only been out of the country five months and already I am struggling to maintain a friendship I had with a girl I was closer to than anyone on this earth, and for longer. You didn't make much effort, ergo neither did they, nor will they. It's a fact of life. Fuck 'em and move on.

 
At 1:06 am, Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Our mind is the prison

 
At 1:52 am, Blogger P. said...

Our mind is the prison

That's deep. Did you figure that one out while riding around in your jeep, chanting zen Buddhism stuff atchya fella hoominz, hoping you were in no way contributing to any environmental upfuckage and therefore their ultimate demise?

If it must be either, the mind is far more the freedom than the chains.

 
At 2:26 am, Blogger Father Luke said...

I could write a book.

- -
Okay,
Father Luke

 
At 2:40 am, Blogger Grapes 2.0 said...

I had to come over from RSS because I was wondering what sort of comments people would have to make, because I sure as shit can't think of anything to say in response.

I shouldn't have bothered. It's as I thought. What's the fucking use? Nobody knows. Increasingly, I'm pushed towards the idea that there isn't one. Sorry.

 
At 3:30 am, Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

P...Actually I figured it out while walking to work instead of driving.

 
At 4:54 am, Anonymous fivevoters.com said...

Don't be so dramatic, grapes, FFS.

The dude lost at poker and he's lashing out a bit. And we're all playing Dr. Fraud with the compulsive gambler who isn't nearly as much of a gambler as he might oughta be enjoying himself as.

So what else is new.

Anyway, it's nice to see that your proclamations of the many astoundingly wonderous advantages of atheism stand far above all the other nonsense, as usual.

Your standard fee apply, I take it?

LOL.

Anyway, by my score, Father Luke wins yet again, hands down.

...

Don't mind me, I'm just taking a break while Rupert Murdoch and thje boys censor my (and many other independent thinkers) free speech yet again.

Such is life in stupidity land.

Ciao.

 
At 6:29 am, Blogger P. said...

I had to come over from RSS because I was wondering what sort of comments people would have to make

Not because the Pantie Bunch Gang called you up, then?

P...Actually I figured it out while walking to work instead of driving

Hey, don't get all sensitive on my ass now. Your picture is you, it says who you are. Either you can use an ambiguous shot of some tart, billying her tits off the night she left the UK - or you can stick a shot of a gas guzzler there and preach Buddhism. Personally, I already know I'm a cunt. You still have something to learn, grasshopper.


Anyway, by my score, Father Luke wins yet again, hands down.


Oh I'm so sick of competing with him. I make a right effort and he strolls in, from months away, with one line, and steals the show.

 
At 3:39 pm, Anonymous vowstovote.com said...

Tell me about it, P.

How do you think I feel?

Especially since I have such a high opinion of my own healing powers and all.

And Father Fucker comes in here with such absurdly appropriate "wisdom" and I'm back to realizing what a useless clunky asshole I am.

Fucking geniuses.

Anyway, it appears that Rupert and the boys have restored at least some of my work (in total frustration, no doubt), so I have to get back to the grind cranking out the vote.

What an optimist I am, huh?

Still, I often wonder if any of those greedy hateful uncreative dullard bastards will ever fucking learn that you simply can't discourage a true optimist. Especially an insanely artistic one like moi.

My bookie refuses to let me bet on that one. He knows a sure thing when he sees it.

Anyway...

Cheers!

 
At 7:36 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zen sed,

"What's the use of any of this?"

stinkygrapes sed,

"What's the fucking use? Nobody knows."


boots sez:

What a pair of dogeared fucktards you two make, too sane by a mile. Both of you busily being what you're told to be, no fucking wonder you can't see the use of any of it, you're fucking societal drones and drones have no use, they're disposable, fodder and no more.

It's a magical journey and you lot sit and whine the food sucks.

It figures, really.

 
At 12:40 am, Blogger P. said...

Can you imagine everyone in this comments box, all sat round in a circle, passing the spliff? Well not just passing it, obv, because that would be a crazy waste of spliff.

Or are you already and no one invited me?

 
At 4:44 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DR DULL Said.........

"And I've been feeling bad in myself. I can't really describe what I mean, but I can't keep a grip on my emotions. The bad really hurts."

1)Emotions do not exist!

2)Are you being poisened?

3)http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/new/anarchy559/which-mental-illness-do-you-have/

 
At 10:12 pm, Blogger P. said...

3)http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/new/anarchy559/which-mental-illness-do-you-have/

Hey, I'm only 64% bipolar. Good times.

Hang on, does that mean I'm tripolar? Where's the other 36% of me?

 
At 7:36 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

boots sez:

p sed: "Can you imagine everyone in this comments box, all sat round in a circle, passing the spliff?"

Yeah we could call it "simps passing spliff"

 

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