hundreds

so anyway, i was looking at father luke's webpage, and he has one of those hundred things things. and i was thinking, god, you wouldn't even come up with a hundred interesting things about me. because they should be at least interesting in the sense that they wouldn't be things you'd just know about me anyway. like, 67. i am english. ldo. 68. i have brown hair, or did before most of it went grey. 69. i like chicks. 70. i am not scared of cockroaches but i wouldn't eat one.

so what would i even say? i stay in a basement room most of the day, and only go out to allow myself to get thoroughly infuriated by people who probably aren't driving crazily but because i hate them so much i think they are. i love music but i don't have anything close to interesting to say about it. atm it's all postmetal and C86 stuff, although i listened to dry the rain by the beta band in the car and yes, okay, i was bellowing

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be your light/I will be all right

and it was resonating because i'm feeling okay mostly, although i am haunted by timor mortis, and i want mercy. (google it. it's dull to have to explain everything all the time.)

but i am going home, and that makes me feel good. not today or tomorrow, maybe not this year, but some time, and that's better than never.

and i keep feeling that soon, sooner rather than later anyway, okay, maybe never but at least possibly, i am going to awake and be able to wipe away ten years and i'll be back to the day i felt i could take a new path and i could be that beacon and not drag you down any more. (google that too. dhammapada if you need a clue.)

71. i eat too many sweets. 72. i saw a dead body in the street in delhi and felt a bit guilty because i wasn't moved as much as i thought i ought to be. 73. i can swim but i've never really enjoyed it. and to be honest, the same can be said for a lot of things, which is more of a problem when you think about it than it seems it would be when you haven't thought about it.

so it's not all tears. i am also feeling forgiving, which is an outcome of feeling in need of forgiveness. it's not that i feel i've done anything wrong. no. more that i feel i haven't done enough right.

i don't feel there's any judgement. only your own feeling about who you are and what you're worth. and i know i'm not anything but spinning particles and not worth anything in any size of picture that would have meaning but none of us really feels that way even if we know it's true. so, for instance, if forgave p although i felt she deserved some measure of castigation for her behaviour. but ultimately i like her and you cannot spend your days punishing people for being what they are being when you like what they are being on the whole. they are packages not jigsaws, iykwim. and i will forgive you too if you are someone who needs me to forgive you, because i believe both erring and forgiving are human, and Pope had too much to say about too few scattered thoughts, but that's how eighteenth-century literature actually works.

74. i have a badly misshapen left arm, caused by a severe break when i was a kid. i don't mean it's monstrous. you wouldn't notice it mostly. but it is angled the wrong way and looks weird when you think about it. also, it's quite weak as a consequence, so although i'm tough, i'm not all that strong in the arms. 75. i have never really believed in god except in the same sort of way you believe in santa claus when you're a kid, but i did believe in jesus. and this is why. one time i lost a flask that i had taken out bike riding and i knew my parents would be disappointed, which is a lot worse than angry, and they would not beat me for it, which would have been acceptable, but would have been mean, and i hate to be the cause of meanness. so i told jesus i would believe in him if he let me find it, and i found it, and kept my promise because i keep promises. i will not make you a promise if i do not intend to keep it, and people sometimes wonder why i won't promise things as lightly as they will. 76. i have a smile that would warm your heart but i don't use it much these days. i do laugh quite a lot though. a balance of the two would be better but at least i'm not weeping.

posted by Dr Zen @ 7:27 pm