Sally Anne (for D)

So I fucked her fucked her fucked her fucked her. I fucked her and drowned her in a river. In a river of blood, I pushed in her head. In a river of blood, I pushed until she was dead. I pushed in her head and then I said, I fucked you, bitch, I fucked you, I scratched the itch.

And she said, you talk too much, you talk too fucking much, can’t you just push in my head in a river of blood, when all’s said and done, let’s just have fun, when all’s done and said, push in my head.

So I fucked her fucked her fucked her fucked her. I fucked her and kissed her and she bit my tongue. She bit my tongue and claimed it was fun. A mouth full of lead, I pushed in her head, I pushed her until she was dead, I fucked up her head, my mouth full of lead. She said. She said, when I am a ghost and all this is forgotten, when this world is over and washed away all that is rotten, when I am a ghost and you are forgotten. She said, I do not know who you are.

It is hard to rid yourself of a memory that is yet to form. It is hard to rid yourself of a child who has not yet been born. It is hard to heal the hurt when no one has touched you. She says, I want you to touch me, I want you to caress me, I want you to hurt me, I want you to undress me. Reveal me. If you reach inside me. If you can reach inside me, pull me out and unconceal me. Steal me. From every man who ever had me as a memory, you can thieve me. From every man who’s ever dreamed about me, how deeply they were sleeping, none ever to know me.

I think she is weeping, perhaps she is smiling. Perhaps she is laughing, perhaps she is crying. I stop and I’m waiting, still she is moving. Don’t stop, she is saying, don’t stop what you’re doing. You have to go through it, you have to move to it.

I am thinking she’s beautiful and someone has said it.

It’s not me, I’m saying, it’s someone else who’s saying. It’s not me, I’m shouting, it’s someone else who’s shouting. Suddenly, I am knowing, suddenly, I know but soon it’s forgotten, how soon it’s forgotten, suddenly, I am knowing, it’s me that is saying but me, I’m saying nothing at all.

Goodbye, she says, she’s lying. Goodbye, she says, it really was fine. Goodbye, she says, we shared three lines and a really fucking good time. Goodbye goodbye goodbye, in the moment before she leaves, she is mine all mine. In the moment before she leaves, she is fine.

I am smoking in the first light of dawn. I am smoking in the first moments after new love is born. I am smoking in the moments before I realise I will never see her again. I am smoking in the realisation that dreams never end but love ends, love ends, love ends and when it ends, you’re dead, they’ve pushed in your head.

DR.

posted by Dr Zen @ 6:12 pm