Thursday, September 11, 2003

Being queer

I am queer. I'm not afraid or ashamed to say it. And I reject your definition of it by saying so.
Desire is not a whole thing. No one of us can say we only want this or this. I doubt any of us can even narrow down what we want to a definitive list. It changes day to day. The fractions of our desire are the upwellings of the many tensions that make us. I cannot believe that we have a continuing whole self. It doesn't feel like that to me. I feel like I am never the same twice. I feel like I have almost an infinity of parts, which often conflict, rarely resolving even in the smallest. I'm not saying I like it, but it's what it is. I was thinking maybe that makes me like a sea, so that I can have a name, but my parts change and interchange all the time, and yes, I might have tides so that I reach the same places, slightly changed, many times. Well, that works, but I think the sea is too bounded. A formless, boundless sea, with many forms and many bounds. That is how I think of each one of us. When I say "me"?, I mean "you"?.
Being queer is not "not being straight"?. The idea that I must choose between the two seems awfully restrictive. How can I make a sea sit in one shape or another? Must I be a Canute of desire, striving to make the waves of my being stand still, so that I can be one thing or another.
Being queer is not a question of defining your sexuality. Just as desires in each of us are manifold, our sexualities are manifold. That area of our sea might seem to have one shape or another, but the waters continue to move, ceaselessly. But it is part of the picture.
Within those many fractions of desire there are doubtless some that want to fuck men. They are not the fractions that have won out in my life - maybe they are too small, tiny wavelets perhaps, the smallest of deep currents. But to deny they are there would be to belittle myself. I pride myself on being larger than life. I would never wish to be smaller than I am. It would also be dishonest. For one reason or another, I prize honesty, despite its costs in this world, and to value something - truly - we must first value it in ourselves and then in others (the same, I think, is true of any quality, so that if we must criticise, we have to begin with ourselves). So being queer, for me, does encompass desire for men, whatever form that takes. It also encompasses wanting to be loved, wanting to be hurt, the drive to destroy myself, fear & loathing, blondes with big tits, and a billion other fractions that are more or less part of me (the blondes are a big part, if any are reading and want to send photos).
More importantly, being queer means I don't have to subscribe to your definition. I permit myself to allow the possibility of freedom. I am not free - I am not making any bold claim about that, but I am saying I have the door open, and can run out into freedom if I ever gather together the will. I allow myself the belief that I could do whatever I desired if I desired it enough.
I'm going to have more to say about this, including an explanation of why I sucked my own cock, and a story about the glory hole in the Butts shopping centre in Reading that doesn't reflect well on me.


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