Bleak houseThe first step to being an adult is knowing that you will never be that ideal you you fondly dream of. And it's no wonder we want to stay children, to somehow hide from the reality that we are no better than we are.
The second step is to think that it's okay to be what you are. And to see the good in what that is, if it's good, and the bad if it's bad. And to accept that you cannot change any of it but you are good or bad and that's that.
Then you die so what's the point of any of that?
The least you can do is say well they are who they are and what's the point of judging when they cannot change any of it and who are you to say they should?
But I have never done any good in this world and that is the pain I am bearing, that I never was good for anything and never will be.
I used to have another blog because I had to have a blog that didn't hide my secrets from my wife. And now I have a wife I don't have secrets from because there's nothing I care enough about to hide. I am caught in a dream that doesn't even hurt enough to be a nightmare and I know your pain is greater than mine but I don't care because caring like that is vanity that even I don't feel entitled to.
Sometimes I do think though that we should be kind because we know how much we can hurt each other and we don't like it either. But some of us do. Be honest. If you weren't hurting you wouldn't even know you are alive. And I don't know I'm alive.
I just surrendered because it's easier to fail. And then I saw that I hadn't even been good at that because look how bad those guys are. It's like they have absolutely no awareness how hard they have failed, how low they are, how painful their being is to everyone round them and fuck man I am supposed to be the aspie and how come it's me who cares when it's you who's supposed to be able to feel what others feel and I don't even try and even I know how not to be you.
But maybe that's what makes them happy and I say that and I'm left thinking, if they're happy, why aren't they smiling? I long ago decided that the best thing was for as many of us as possible to find happiness but some people don't even seem to be looking and we boil it down to money sex and a good time and maybe that's all there is, maybe there isn't even that, just dark, deep holes and then you die.
I imagined I would be capable of love and then I grew up.
It fucking sucks.