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click click click goes my hard drive

it is three days old. i suppose it is more than three days old because it was built some months ago, but that is how long i have had it. three days before it showed signs of being broken.

the last hard drive i had, it just stopped. just gave up being. how else to explain it? i didn't drop it or hurt it in any way. just one morning, it stopped showing up for work. i am going to send it back to Seagate (it's Maxtor, but they are Seagate, see?).

i have to pay to return it. that sucks. there is no such thing as service, unless you pay for it. that's our world.

but i have to say, cbk_usa do the right thing. i bought an adapter for my wife's laptop. they sent the wrong one. not just a bit wrong. not even close. they are replacing it. no need to return (not worth it for them to pay the postage). no fuss. this is a good business.

what happened to us that the smallest of convenience to us is enough to make us think a company good? what happened to a world in which we made products that we were proud of?

was it Henry Ford, creating cars with parts he knew would go wrong? was it those fools with their "critical paths", "quality assurance" that assures no quality but what you can get away with?

***

i am feeling out of sorts. i stink of menthol because i have been applying dencorub to my back. i have some advice for you. make sure you wash your hands carefully before going to the toilet after applying dencorub, unless you particularly enjoy the sensation of someone's setting fire to your cock.

but worse, i have been feeling that it's pointless. i cannot resign myself to failure. and that's what it is, isn't it? it's not a catastrophe, as you might think. you fail by ounces and then have a burden of stones to carry around with you.

our friend boots prescribes dropping that burden, but how can i? i cannot cease to be who i am because that is not something i control.

none of it is. this is the truth about the human condition. we are condemned to imprisonment for crimes we did not commit, could not commit, had no knowledge of how they were committed.

i have been feeling that i am too far down the road to turn onto one i like better. i am sick of it. i need a new job but there are no new jobs. i need hope but i am hopeless. i have never before felt like drowning myself in the bath, but right now i am glad that i am over 6foot and the bath is barely 5andahalf.

i have become convinced that i am the kind of person whose hard drive goes click after three days and i don't know why i am or how i came to be it, but i am. i was thinking, when i was playing poker the other day, what if i really am just unlucky?

how else can you explain it? i'm smart, and i've studied it hard. i've learnt a lot, and i know that i have an edge. or should have one. but i don't. and all of life is like that. the only edge i have is that i can pay to play the game. it's like, yeah, you're english, you're privileged to this or that extent, but that's just enough to get you into the game.

the rest of it is just getting kicked in the nuts. over and over until you are either able to tell yourself you like your nuts being crushed or you go crazy with the endless pain.

i have been crazy for so long that you'd think that my nuts would stop hurting.

***

i realise that in so many ways all i need to do is let go. it's only bitterness that is dragging me down. i have a self that is not bitter. i know, i've seen it so many times, like those phantoms at the edge of vision.

so i am letting go. that's it. thanks for reading. bye.

posted by Dr Zen @ 2:55 pm