passing

so yeah, i miss the drifting misty rain, the smell of salt, imagining your touch, laughter, the kiss of fleshy lips, companionable silence, a road home, sobriety, meditative practice, hope.

the video sucks, so maybe just listen. i am loving this atm:



and right now, i am listening to Ulrich Schnauss, ... passing by, which is nice. it sounds like passage, transit, going from here to who knows where.

and today, i looked at zenella and i was overwhelmed by something string quartet and thunderclap. i know i will love her for my whole life.

i promised.

if you can ever get me to promise something, you'll find that it's something meaningful, real and deep with me. if you ever promise me something, and do not deliver, something deep in me will rebel, will hate you a little bit.

i will love her no matter what. there is nothing that can make me stop. i will sing her name while i have breath.

and when i don't, it will resonate where i am remembered, because her name is part of me. she is my golden girl; that won't ever change. nothing she does, nothing anyone does can change it.

i promised. and you know, i rarely promise anything. i prefer half-heartedness, because you can always bail if your heart's not in it.

and anyway, put a little bit of heart into things, and you generally get burned. i prefer to keep things at arm's length, able to observe, rather than feel i am in it. if i could do that more, abstract myself from my life, i would be able to be happy.

Ulrich Schnauss sounds like a life that you will not have. maybe one you would not want. he sounds a bit like you are cast adrift, floating on a reed mat, without a care, under a gentle sun.

he sounds a bit like paradise, if you like your paradise saccharine.

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well, nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

Modest Mouse have a lot of wtf about them, and i like that.

so i am thinking again about visiting home. i'm in two minds. i badly want to go home, but i want to go home. i don't want to dribble my money away on a holiday, but i'm afraid i'll dribble it away anyway.

so it's in the balance. i can't decide while things are so bad between me and mrs zen, because i don't know whether they'll improve enough that i will wish i hadn't spent the money because i need it to go home for good, or whether they'll get bad enough that i'll wish i had it because i need to live a separate life, or whether they'll stay in the balance, so that i'll wish i'd gone because not enough has changed.

sigh.

and there is also the worry that in six months i will be doing well enough at poker not to need my job. the worry is that i get home and just say fuck it. i don't know whether that will be possible, but much more negativity here, and i might just conclude that i cannot be here any more, no matter the price. there are good things for me in the UK.

i am trying not to be negative though. i am trying to stay numb, keep myself in neutral, smile at the neighbours, stay calm, stay upbeat, be good. there are good things for me here too, however small they feel in degree, so long as i don't scrape away the surface. it's like a scab on a wound. if you just keep putting on the cream, you will not bleed any more. but if you pick it off, you are back to gushing blood.

posted by Dr Zen @ 7:30 pm