big d
so anyway, i have decided to get divorced. i say decided, but it's more like a hopeless shrug of the shoulders. my life is unbearable. i mean, for fuck's sake, i am here, writing to myself on new year's eve, lonely, empty. but i don't feel that if i keep ploughing this furrow, that can change. i cannot live without the hope of change.and i am not someone who just dies. i can't. i tried it on for size and i just didn't like it. and people say you should die for your kids, but this way, i can't.
you know. it's simple. i look at my life, where i live, the people i see day to day, and i think if this is my life, i'm dying right now. just fucking kill me. if that is what my life amounts to. if that is all i can hope for.
fuck that.
i need to feel i can live in Indonesia, or China, or on the Moon. i need to feel that this time next year i might not be an editor; i might be a published author, a poker champion, something. i need to feel that my life might yet start, that it hasn't somehow ended.
i need to feel i can live.
posted by Dr Zen @ 8:58 pm
8 Comments:
Zen, I wish you the best, whatever path you choose. To change, may it not suck worse than the present--cheers.
What UV said. Best wishes. You and I experience many of the same things, I just don't blog 'em. Anon has a point, though. Speaking only for me, there's almost nothing I want to do that I can't do as a married man. Fuck around with other women is it. Everything else -- build a shed and hole up in it to write a book, backpack across Vietnam, sing in an amateur musical -- can be done if prepared for properly. Speaking only for me, obvo, cuz Mz Z may be more bound to specific expectations than Mz HL, but even so, well, fuck, even so, if I backpacked across Vietnam I probably would fuck around with other women cause no one would ever know anyway. Sleep on it a few weeks before you mention it to the wife.
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I'm exercising my right not to allow you to pollute my comments, you fuckwit.
boots sez:
You're in it now Zen, you've just pissed off your best excuse to curl foetal and thrown yourself into the briar patch, you'll be forced to live now.
Your life may still be shit, you realize that of course; but shit with hope beats shit-sans anytime.
Best wishes friend.
Balls.
divorce is just as silly of an institution as marriage.
All the best Zen. I've been reading you via RSS for a while. I found you at Paula's. Hope you'll visit me some time. I'm in NZ - a neighbour!
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