Sick of thinking

I am sick of thinking about S. It's both painful and pointless. I have so much of my life already wasted on things that are both painful and pointless that I can't escape, I do not need to add more.

I have painted too pretty a picture of her. She has not actually been any of the things I imagine her to be, at least not consistently, for some time. She changed, and my view of her didn't change. I did not want to surrender the old picture.

I cannot resolve how someone can be into you one day, and you can enjoy talking to them so much, and it seems that they are enjoying it too, but the next they are just too busy to bother with you. (We all get busy. I know that. But busy has limits: somehow, even at my busiest, I don't turn aside the people I care for.) It is frustrating to feel that something has changed, that there is a new story, but no one has sent you the script.

I liked the script in which she cared for me. I liked that we seemed to have a future. I do not like "you are just shit that I can treat as badly as I do the people I hate". I do not mind contempt from those I do not care for; they usually have no right to it in any case. But when it is from someone who means something to me... She was never forgiving. If you cross her, she isn't able to just let it go or make allowances. (But I don't want or need her or anyone to be perfect; having flaws is what makes people people. Without them they are simply icons, blanks that you have to impress with character, cyphers.) But there is a difference between having a thin skin and having no heart. It is much harder to find the latter loveable.

Worst of all, I feel like I am 14, a schoolboy yearning for his crush. I remember another S, who I did have a crush on when I was 14. I adored her but she would not even look at me. I had no idea what the interior of her life was like, what she did, who she did it with, because she would not open the door even one inch. (My crush was, however, almost entirely secret. When eventually I plucked up the courage to ask her out, she did not even say no. She simply turned and walked away.)

I need communication. I am stuck a million miles away from home with no one to talk to. The worst thing you can do to me is not bother talking to me. Even the most banal of phatic communication is better. Sigh. But what is the use of thinking about that? If a person doesn't get that, or worse, gets it but doesn't care, I can't think them into getting it or caring. I just have to don my armour, turn away and say well, let it bounce off me; just more I have to allow to bounce away and become nothing.

posted by Dr Zen @ 8:47 pm