Thoughtless

I blog whatever I am thinking about. Which is why I have gone quiet. I have been numb for some months now, and I rarely bother thinking about anything. Everything slides and I am iced in.

I could blog about how I was banned from Wikitruth. But it's just a regular dull story about how bullies are cowards. Wikitruth are bullies, writing shit about people they don't like, but they are cowards, running scared from bigger bullies. Why even bother with these boys? They're not even interesting, and their target is the Wikipedia, which I noted a long time ago is full of shit, and it hasn't improved any in the interim. I am defiant of bullies, and that is why I was banned from Wikitruth. I cannot allow a bully to hurt others and have nothing to say about it. It's worth being an outsider if that is the price of making a stand. I've always been willing to be on the outer if that is where you have to stand to tell the truth. (Yes, I know that there can be many truths. But should that prevent you from telling yours?)

I could blog about S, and how unhappy I am that she has dumped me, but frankly, I'm not all that unhappy. She only wanted to talk to me about the Wikipedia, and my engagement with it is too slight for that to be an interesting topic of conversation. Our whole thing went sour some time ago. She wanted my world to orbit her, and that was cool when she was giving something back, but the demand without the payoff is just wearing. I feel an immense sadness because I rarely meet -- in the meat or online -- someone that I connect with so strongly. Of course, she has issues -- who doesn't? -- and the problem became that she was only the issues and would neither give an inch on any of them nor lighten up and be about something else.

I could blog about P but I wouldn't know what to say. I do not know what she is -- my friend, my lover, my sister -- but I want her in my life. She is the person I feel most sorry is not "real". I sometimes wonder whether I want to rescue her or whether I want her to rescue me. But that is stupid. She would just be a good friend to have around, whatever else she might be to me.

I could blog about how long this afternoon is, how tiring and unrewarding it has been and will be. I have been editing reports on funds, but I must finish soon. I have to pick up the kids from their minder, a friend of Mrs Z's who takes them one day a week to give Mrs Z a break. I must also pick up Zenella from school. I am not looking forward to it. Sometimes I just want to be on my own, and anyway, I have so much work I can hardly spare the time.

I could blog about Mrs Z but all I can think about is whether I owe her or she owes me. I don't know whether that even makes sense but it is what I think about when I think about her.

I could blog about A, and how I wish I could help her resolve her life's problems. But all I can offer is advice I can't take myself and platitudes that I don't quite believe.

I could blog about poker, the terrible headache I have, my wasted life, candied almonds in Stroget, the moss on the rocks on the road to the ferry for the Westman Islands, how I miss good coffee, cheese and bread, none of which Australians have the least idea how to make, but it all just makes me unhappy, and I must put on my best face, go out into the world and that's it.

posted by Dr Zen @ 2:02 pm