Balavagga

"He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you."

I have not been myself lately. I have been troubled. You would not know it if you met me, because I can be charming and friendly. You might catch a glimpse of shadow but you would not see inside, where I am wandering in a trackless waste.

I am not suffering from anything that can be fixed. I am not shattered, simply in need of gluing back together. I never was together to begin with -- an inchoate mess that has no start or end, no signposts, no reality. I cannot heal myself with drugs or therapy because there is no hurt to be soothed, no parts to be joined together.

When I was a child, I believed fiercely in the things I fought for. Although I ceased believing, I had the impetus that I needed to be able to fight still. When I turned thirty, I was able to put the brakes on and I put my life in order. I was at ease with myself; as close to ease as I could be. I do not know why I traded that for a swamp that I no longer had the fortitude to swim out of. I don't begin to understand why I keep making it worse.

The answers should be simple. I want peace and need only create it. I want love and need only love to acquire it. I know this and I still drown in mud.

I am afraid that I do wrong because I am wrong and cannot be made right. I am afraid that it is not that the world does not have faith in me but that I do not have faith in it.

"The fool who knows that he is a fool is for that very reason a wise man; the fool who thinks that he is wise is called a fool indeed."

I know, I know. Put it right one thing at a time. Remain calm. Be positive. Set goals and work towards them. I know the mantra. But the last line shouldn't be, Why bother?

All this will pass. A thousand years from now I will not even be a memory. I do not need to fight my way out of the swamp. The water is warm. It is fine. I will be fine if I still my mind, stop fighting and sink, deep into the mud, and live.

posted by Dr Zen @ 4:39 pm