My dream

So we are walking hand in hand on a beach that I do not recognise. It seems like it is Byron, but the rocks look like they are Cornish. It is a weird half light, so it is as though we are walking through a negative of a beach, the moonlight and clouds washing it out so that we feel like we are walking through an alien world.

We have been at dinner and I am feeling mellow and tired. It seems like the night is quite cold, but your hand is warm and soft in mine. It must be warm enough, because I am wearing summer gear. You are wearing a long skirt and a blouse.

We do not walk far before we stop and sit down in the sand. We are just sitting wordlessly and I am looking at you. You are wearing your hair a little bit longer, and it's like you have grown it out a little just to please me (although I like it how it is, I am not saying I don't). I touch your hair and you lean in towards me. I gather you into my arms and we sit listening to the sea crashing on the rocks. It's definitely a Cornish sea, not the soft rollers of Byron.

We are lying in the sand, side by side, so close that you could not slip a hand between us. I can feel your breasts pressed hard against my chest and your legs intertwined with mine tightly enough so that I can feel the heat of you.

I kiss you on the forehead and ask the world to keep you safe for a long life. I kiss your brow and ask the sea to provide you with fish that will delight you to eat. I kiss your cheek and ask the wind to blow you good fortune and contentment. I kiss your lips and ask the sun to shine on you, to bless you for all your days. I can feel your tongue in my mouth and I am thankful for the day I met you. I close my eyes and breathe in your scent--the fragrance you wear and the smell of your skin and I am thankful to my fate for allowing our paths to cross, and I want to believe in your god so I can thank him too for creating you so that I can love you. I feel your breath hot on my neck and I am simply thankful to you for being you.

I do not know how we become naked but we are, and we feel safe because the beach is entirely deserted. You are spread out on the beach and I am touching you gently, so that you are not sure whether it is the wind or my fingers on your shoulders, your breasts, your stomach, your thighs, your legs. When I touch you between your legs, you have no doubt, and you open up to me.

I touch you only gently because we are not here to hurt each other or cause each other pain, but to love each other kindly. You do not need to say anything to me for me to know what you want. I know how to touch you as though I had a map or instructions and you are the same.

I pull you towards me, so that we are back on our sides, and you wrap your leg around me and pull my cock into you. You are wet enough for it to slide in almost its full length without my barely moving.

We start to fuck in rhythm with the breakers. I am looking at your face, only inches from mine. You have your eyes tight closed but still your face is beautiful. I look at you carefully because I want to remember every line, every hair, every freckle, every part of your life that is written on your face. You have never looked so beautiful in your life as you do now (and that is true not only in my dream, but in our lives, because age has blessed you so that it thrills me to look at you because you are so beautiful to me). I pull you in closer and we are kissing. Our tongues move like the foam on the sea, our hips slowly like the waves. I feel your pussy enfolding me, hot and warm. I feel harder and stronger than I have ever been. I reach a point as deep in you as I can reach and stop. We lie for a few moments, our hot breath in unison, and I can feel tears on my cheek. I am crying for happiness. You feel a tear on your cheek and I can feel your fingers brush away the tears as we kiss fiercely but tenderly.

I feel your hands on my back, urging me to fuck you and we are ever closer, so close that I do not know how we will ever separate, and we are fucking slowly and gently. You can feel yourself coming like a riptide rushing through the water, and I feel like you have brought down the moon and put it inside me, but it is only that I have closed my eyes, and somehow you have rolled on top of me and I hold you to me, sliding in our sweat, as we come like breaking waves.

We lie for a long time in the sand afterwards, stroking each other and kissing, your head on my chest. You are smiling and it feels like I am still having the tail of an orgasm that will not end so long as you are there, smiling, your teeth glowing in the half light.

And that is it. If I do not write that we leave the beach, my dream will not end, so I am content to leave us lying in the sand on a beach you could not find on a map, belonging only to me and to you because I give it to you as I kiss you in the gathering dark.

posted by Dr Zen @ 11:02 am 4 comments

Above water

I feel like I have been under twice but as I was choking, remembered I could swim after all.

Then I forget, and wish someone would throw me a lifesaver, but I have no one to rely on but myself, and I'm not reliable, anyone will tell you. I say six and arrive at seven, if I turn up at all. Mostly I'm quivering at home, too afraid of the lights and noise to be where I need to if I want to be anywhere at all.

I feel like I am the water circling the drain, yet somehow I am never drained away. I keep spinning round, round and round. If I close my eyes and try really hard, I can make dizzy into exhilarated.

Did you ever do that when you were a child? Make yourself spin round until you were high. I feel like I never stopped and now I do not know whether it's my world out of control or me.

***

We are all laughing in the water, the girls close by and Naughtyman's beautiful eyes alight with joy.

He has all the best features I have but he will not be weighed down. If I had a god, that is what I'd pray. Don't let what I've done bring him sorrow.

Zenella is floating on her back. Her smile is beatific, you could frame it.

Her smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If I had a god, I would pray that I would never make her cry.

But I will.

***

I cannot help what I am. I didn't choose it. I never sat down with a checklist.

Once I did, and I was a better man for it. I was wrong in all the ways I'm wrong, but I felt good about it. Rascal and bastard are two sides of the same counterfeit coin; one you love, the other you cannot spend.

I want to be coin you put in the bank. I want to be currency that a person can use. I want to serve the ones I love, more than anything, but it's not the only thing I want.

***

I have stopped feeling bad about it. Okay, I'm useless. I deserve nothing but charity. So I accept it, and still, I have love in my life. Now I accept it, there is nothing for a monkey to screech at.

And I will die before he gets another chance. I cannot live ten more years of suffocating myself. I would rather let go and drown.

But before I do that, let me tell you, I would rather join you on your planet, if you will have me. I would rather smile with you, tread water and smile, if we can.

posted by Dr Zen @ 8:28 pm 4 comments