Seven eleven
I had a big task lined up for this afternoon so I went out to get some groceries before I started. When I got back, it had vanished and so had all its sister tasks. I don't know if the project was finished or I had been booted. You don't get told. I don't take it personally because you never know what they actually want, and I've generally been valued. Or maybe I have. A couple of times a project has said I was among the best and that's why I was on it. But this one was so much work potentially. Not fun but I could earn from it.
It was my work for the afternoon. It was all I had. My main gig is dry and I never know why it is: whether they don't have work or are not working themselves. They don't bother to let me know.And I know, even though I try not to let it overwhelm me, that there is going to be a day when there is no more of this work. They'll stop feeding back to AI. And then I'll have nothing.
I have no margin. That's the worst of it. I need to earn the rent, money to pay back debts, to avoid getting taken to court, and I have nothing I can make up a shortfall with. I had to spend what I had on eye surgery because it was that or go blind. And then when I got a bit more together I had to pay it to a woman who wasn't looking and smashed into my car and a guy who got a dent that probably took an hour to fix but cost ten grand for some reason. My car wasn't even worth ten grand. I managed to scrape together a few grand -- by which I mean I had to borrow from my own kid -- so I have another car. Sometimes the gears seem to catch and sometimes I think I smell petrol. I just have to tell myself nothing is wrong, I am smelling nothing, nothing, nothing is broken, nothing can be broken.
I have no margin. That's the worst of it. I need to earn the rent, money to pay back debts, to avoid getting taken to court, and I have nothing I can make up a shortfall with. I had to spend what I had on eye surgery because it was that or go blind. And then when I got a bit more together I had to pay it to a woman who wasn't looking and smashed into my car and a guy who got a dent that probably took an hour to fix but cost ten grand for some reason. My car wasn't even worth ten grand. I managed to scrape together a few grand -- by which I mean I had to borrow from my own kid -- so I have another car. Sometimes the gears seem to catch and sometimes I think I smell petrol. I just have to tell myself nothing is wrong, I am smelling nothing, nothing, nothing is broken, nothing can be broken.
I can't get an actual job. I am trying but I rarely get any reply to an application.
I hurt all the time. Loneliness hurts. Social media makes things worse because you see such horrible people all the time and it makes the world hard to love. But without social media I'd have no interaction with anyone.
I need a break. I need to feel wanted and loved a little bit, a tiny bit, and not snubbed by the entire world. I have tried to do the right thing and my reward for that is this. It doesn't feel right. Sometimes, when you are on the edge, clinging on by your fingertips and you can feel the pain creep up your fingers, up your arms, into your heart, burning all of you into nothing.
Sometimes you just want to let go.
posted by Dr Zen @ 8:57 pm
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