Saturday, November 11, 2017

Plunge

I woke up and it was like nothing was left. It's not that I can't remember. I was never there. It's like you can remember the skeleton of the melody of the song you once sang but the words are gone. Gone far beyond recovery, gone beyond recall.

I don't remember anything that was bad except I know you went bad. And I know I went sour but sour isn't bad if you like milk.

But I don't like milk much so why should you?

I don't remember becoming unkind and I don't feel it now.

***

I walked for miles through snow that felt colder and colder the farther I walked, the heavier it felt to walk through. I walked for miles sinking deeper and deeper, knee deep, hip deep, chest deep, until I couldn't see a path. I had frozen to the bone. I had frozen to the core. I had nothing warm about me. I had nothing at all.

***

I want you to know I am still the man I was. You just didn't know him. I don't know what you saw when you looked at me.

I don't know how I lost you so how can I know how to have kept you, how can I know what I should have been to have what I wanted.

It didn't ever stop being what I wanted.

***

I don't remember anything that should make you hate me. I'd know.
I don't remember anything that should make you want me to be so lonely. I'd know I'm sure I'd know.

I remember how soft your face is to touch. I remember how soft your body when I clutched and writhed and then we laughed and I do not remember anything that should make the last twining vapours of happiness worth nothing.

And I'd know. I'd sooner forget my own name than not know why I loved you.