Tuesday, April 11, 2017

No road home

I have always never really known what to do. It's hard to describe to people who know what to do because it seems so obvious to them that you should just know. But I never have. I've just stumbled and drifted from one thing to another.

And now here I am, nothing and nobody. The most salient fact about me is I have no means of subsistence. And of course I don't know what to do about it.

But that's not my big problem.

My big problem is I seem to have died and it's proving hard to motivate myself. I knew I had fallen far and low but I didn't know I had actually died. I think it was having to live apart from my new child. I think I just can't think about how deep a failure I am that I can't hold her, can't see her, can't love her.

I thought I could recover here but I seem to have died instead. I seem to have shut down so that I will not feel any more pain. I seem to be unable to think, to reflect, to do anything at all except hope it goes away.

I had a decent enough job, the woman of my dreams, love, the family I cherish. I had in sight the happiness that has eluded me in life. And now I am left with a body I have to nourish, a heart I cannot mend, a life that is meaningless and my main aim is to ensure I don't carelessly forbid myself to see tomorrow.

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