Monday, November 21, 2016

Inspiral fuckwits

When I first married Ally I stopped doing a lot of the things I had been doing and my life became a little bit unreal. We spent a lot of time together and when we weren't together we would talk all the time. Which seems weird now because she does not talk to me at all: just brief things she wants me to know and yelling when I don't interpret her correctly and give her what she wants.

But things were fine, we had a rhythm and I didn't miss anything I had had. I let myself be carried away by impulse and doing that was like ripping the legs from the beetle of my life. I didn't know then what I'd done. It's only obvious you have no legs when you try to stand up and walk.

This isn't Ally's fault. This post is not about what Ally does wrong, except when I talk, and I have to talk, about how I've become unable to see the good she does.

So there was the court case and that sucked, and we decided to have a baby and that's another story. But it was all okay. I had a decent although unsatisfying job and we could easily cope with having a kid. It was something to really look forward to.

Then I lost my job. It was completely out of the blue.They had told me there was a contract for three years but that turned out to have been a lie. And right about then, I stopped being able to live my life.

I cannot explain it any other way. Everything started to become unreal. I felt dissociated from my life, as though it wasn't happening, was yet to start. I had already been feeling it but now the feeling grew.

I got another job. Not as good but enough for us to survive. But I hated it. I couldn't not hate it. I knew I should not hate it but I couldn't make myself. This is one of the curses of aspieness or whatever: I know what I should or could feel but I can't make myself do it. It's inexplicable for someone who doesn't feel the same way.

So I lost that job. That was stupid. And then I couldn't get another one.

It's not that I don't want to work. I desperately do. I just don't know how to get a job. I never really have known. I don't know how to lie to people. I don't know how to blag or boast up my achievements. I don't know how to sell myself. I've never really had to. I've just stumbled from one thing to the next.

Luckily, a couple of jobs came up that I had had before. One with John Wiley, the publishers, for the exact role I had had with them. Perfect. But they didn't even give me an interview. I have no idea why. But it was a huge blow to me. It probably wouldn't be to you but you're not me. I wish I didn't have to spend most of my life apologising for myself.

Then a job came up at Coorparoo for the education department. Even better than Wiley. Perfect for work/life, and I did the exact same job a couple of years ago. I couldn't be better qualified for it. It's just temporary so no big deal. So I had an interview. The guy interviewing was a bit weird but we seemed to get on okay. He told the temp agency I had interviewed well but they'd preferred someone else. 

So an old boss of mine got in touch, which was nice. He had overflow work with QUT. So he got in touch with the professor who hands out the work and arranged for me to be added as a supplier. But no one ever contacted me. Not even to say fuck off. Not a word.

So an acquaintance of mine put me in touch with his boss, who runs a foodie mag. That was very decent of him, and I really am thankful that there are people who look out for me. The boss eventually got on to me and sent me some things. I did them and that was that. Five hours' work. Not another word. No hint whether I did them to his satisfaction or not. Nothing.

So the Coorparoo people are hiring again. More than one job. Great! I should surely be in now? Nope. They won't even give me another interview and won't even tell the agency why not. I'm "not suitable". I'm prepared to suggest there is not a person in Brisbane more "suitable". I have 25 years' experience as an editor, three of them in education. I did the job before and I did it well. I'm easy to get along with and I don't stir the shit if I'm treated okay.

And these are the jobs in my actual field. I need something new to do. But I'm 50 and it's not easy to move. How do I do it and earn money at the same time? 

And I know the answer is I could have been learning skills instead of sitting around doing nothing but it's like a bomb went off in my face and I'm still reeling. And I don't know why, it just does feel like that. I feel more and more embarrassed to be me.

I asked Ally to help me, to work with me as a team. She knows how to find jobs. She's practical in ways I'm not. She would know what to do and it would really help to talk. But she won't. She doesn't want to help. She wants me to fail so she can be angry with me. I mean, that's how it feels, that she just prefers to have a shitty relationship. I can't fully articulate why I feel she does that but partly it's that I've become so dissociated and useless and she's afraid I won't change (yet won't help me with it); partly it's because if she's angry she doesn't have to feel bad about her eldest.

It's impossible to fix right now because she doesn't want to. I mean, I'm happy to say I'm at fault. I'm fucking it up horribly. But I can't find my feet to pull her out of it. She sits in our room with the baby and yells at me when I don't do the right things. I can't predict what will be wrong next because it changes all the time. It's like having a bad mum who won't be consistent so you can never feel you please her.

I wish you could just walk up to a counter and say give me work and you'd have work. I'd even have my shitty job back at CL. But it's like everything in life. You have a ton of inertia. I am an editor. That's what I've done for so many years. I can't become something else just by wanting it because other people won't let you. They won't believe you can do this, that, the other. You need to know how to package yourself. But I don't. And I don't have any friends to help me with it. Ally helped with one job and it was awesome. I don't know why she has decided Team Awesome is Team You Fucking Cope On Your Own. But I feel like she grew that feeling out of feeling she had to cope with losing C on her own. Not sure.

It doesn't help that I have sleep apnoea. When I'm dreaming, I wake up 30 times an hour. Which sucks because it means I wake up with headaches. I try to help Ally through the night but I need her to "lean on me" rather than expect me to interpret what she needs, because I'm too befuddled from never sleeping to be able to figure it out. I am actually not as tired as most men would be because I was already not having a good night's sleep. But I feel demotivated and I realise that that, and the unreality of my life, are partly outcomes of not sleeping well.

The thing is, I know I focus on myself. It's an unattractive feature of mine. But that's who I am and I do try to be kind to make up for it a bit. But Ally is like, I had a baby, I am tired, I don't sleep. But we both have our crosses to bear, don't we? I think this is a perpetual refrain of early infanthood, and probably one reason marriages so often founder at this point. Women feel overwhelmed physically and emotionally and have no space, none at all, for what their man may be feeling. And that should be okay. We should be strong. But what are we supposed to do when our lives are unreal and we can't find our feet? Sure, I picked a bad fucking time for that but I didn't make myself redundant. I was doing a good job. And I did a good job at CL too, for all that was worth. I didn't like it but I did it well. And if I had the job in Coorparoo, I'd be back on the road to recovery.

Not having a job and having a wife who shows me no goodwill make for a life that feels of very little worth. It spirals in on itself. And you become the cunt she was treating you as though you were, so she feels justified, and treats you even worse, and ever onwards. And you know, I do get that it's not her fault, that no one makes you feel a particular way, but we are not islands. We do affect each other. We can choose to lift or lower each other. I really don't need much. I just need her to see some good in me. She used to. I need her to sit with me and write a plan of action. She refuses to do even that. I should be able to do everything myself. Well, can't we agree I should and I'm pathetic but then she helps me?

If I had friends, I could ask them for support. But I don't. I don't know why I've never made any here. They've come and gone. I can't figure out why. It's not like I'm really unpleasant. Or at least I don't think I am. And the friends I have who are distant don't know my life well enough to help. They think I am depressed and need to "talk to someone". I need a job! I need work so my wife starts respecting me again. I need help to find one. I don't need a fucking pill to make me feel better. I am not unable to get a job because I'm not happy. When I was happy I had no better idea.

Or money. If I had money I would be fine. You'd quickly see how not depressed I am. I wouldn't care that society doesn't value me because society values money. It's such a pitiful amount too. 

And the worst is, I'm not my own friend. I hate myself and that's probably why I keep destroying myself over and over. It's that tedious. So I suppose I need to try to be that friend for myself. If I had the money to tide me over till Ally is ready to work, I'd be able to find ways to make money in the interim. I don't know if there's a name for the way fear prevents you because you're running short. It's so stupid! I mean, why not just do it, whatever it is, even if it comes to nothing because you find work. I know. So I need to do that. However little I can get in, I need to get it in, in whatever way I can think of. I can't be anyone else or do anything else.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I will make an appointment right now for the doctor. I will just forget everything up to now and do whatever I can to make Ally happy. Why worry about what I get back? I love her, isn't that enough? I will try try try to get a job anyhow I can. I will not lie down and die. I'm glad we had this talk. I feel better for it. I don't need people telling me I'm worthless and need a doctor to make me feel worthwhile: that isn't true. I needed help to get on my feet. I don't have anyone, not a soul in this world, who will help me get there, so it's just you, Davey, just you so crack on son.