Thursday, December 31, 2015

My best year

Like all years this had its ups and downs. And it's a bit down at the moment. But I'll tell you what, I had the most amazing up this year and nothing can spoil it.

I met the woman of my dreams and I do have some pretty spicy dreams. In this particular one, I find a woman I didn't even believe existed-- well, wait, look no one reads beneath the fold even if they read the first bit, so I can say this.

I have never known anyone I could believe would fulfil me. I have never known anyone I could believe could help me find happiness -- not just the fleeting joy I have sometimes known but is all I've known -- but genuine lasting contentment. I have long had fancy ideas about love, about its value, about redemption, about there being people we can meet, naked and real, and not shy away. But I have never known anyone like that.

I have never known anyone who I want to have sex with -- I mean, I generically want it like most men, but I've never got much beyond yeah, okay, with any woman; I've never felt burning desire or anything that could even begin to be labelled passion.

I have never known anyone I could trust, that I didn't need to keep everything wound tight, that I could tell the truth to rather than say nothing for fear of making a constant liar of myself. I have never known anyone who can make me laugh easily and often.

Outside of my family, I have never known anyone I could not bear to lose.

Now I have.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Hollow

We have all done it: found ourselves asking the universe to give us a break. Just give me a week and I will be awesome after that. Just let me get through this thing that is stopping me from it and then I will be the superstar I promise myself I am.

After enough weeks though, it dawns on us that there is no superstar waiting to be revealed, that after this week, we will beg another week, and another, and we will never be anything but the pathetic losers we are begging the universe to forgive us for.

This is why I do not make new year's resolutions. Because I have made so many resolutions throughout the year that I can't even pretend I had any real intention to keep.

I sometimes think about how people -- women mostly because they are the people I have cared what they thought or did, the people I have expected something of, and yeah maybe that's part of the problem -- look at me and see what they want to see. And sometimes if I'm in a quiet place or I'm feeling honest enough, I think about how I am just the same. I look at myself and see someone who never makes a promise he can't keep. And that's true when I'm talking to you. I will not say I will do something I won't, no matter what the cost is. I won't lie to make someone happy.

My promise is golden. I am stupid enough to think that's a virtue when most people would rather have hollow promises because that's what everyone builds their lives on.

Except I will endlessly lie to myself, make promise after promise, and the worst of it is that I tell myself that's because I am the only person I can't care about, and the truth is, I'm the only person I do care about to give the gift of a worthless promise.