Friday, July 04, 2014

When you hit a queen

Winning is not everything but it sure beats losing.

Sometimes I think that is fundamental, like, it's true whether you like it or not, and you either accept it or deny it or try to hide it, but it happens all the same.

So four, five times in a row, I get the money in and meh, it doesn't work out. And I'm not saying I should have won, because I was probably behind all five times, but you know what, a 40/60 means that if you ran it a hundred times, you expect to win 40.

Expect to win.

So I'm the kind of person who when they play computer games, they play a level below what's possible so that they win. I accept the idea that I do that because I do not win in life (except for the whole you're a white man thing, which means, strictly relatively speaking you understand, I win just by being me) but you know, I've always thought it was just part of my psychology: I like to win. I don't care that it's meaningless, that I was destined to win if I played something easy. I mean, that holds you back if you're a poker player, because yes, poker is about managing risk but you have to take risks. And I've always preferred to just win at the level I'm safe at than to step up and take real risks. So I never get any better but I excel where I am.

Is it actually better to be king among bottom feeders than just getting by in the more rarefied air?


So I get it in the sixth time and he hits on the flop and I'm like let a queen come, and a queen comes, and you know, when you hit a queen in a spot like that you forget it's a $7 tourney and you want to yell.

I am winning.


Sometimes I feel the blood course in my veins -- not often but often enough -- and I feel like, I am alive, I am real, and even if I'm not real, I'm here.

There are so many ways to win and lose. And mostly, we get to decide for ourselves what the score was. That's the one good thing about being little people. We don't have to care about status. We don't have to care about money in the bank.

I figured out, my "net worth" is in the minus thousands. That's the sum of 47 years. A handful of friends. Some memories. A few aches. Yearning. Children who love me.

A soft kiss.

The smell of cut grass.

Laughter in the night.

A warm blanket.

The belief that tomorrow we will hit every queen and the sun will inexorably rise on another beautiful day

We must all one day lose everything. But not today. Not today.